"If I could have just one wish, I would wish to wake up everyday To the sound of your breath on my neck, The warmth of your lips on my cheek, The touch of your fingers on my skin, And the feel of your heart beating with mine... Knowing that I could never find that feeling with anyone other than you." - Courtney Kuchta
If only words are easy to be placed into action.....
I've been in the school library since 11-plus in the morning just now. I'm not alone here in the library. I have a very good company here with me. Hehehe....*wink wink* Anyway, tomorrow is my second last paper for the exams. I don't really know what to expect after going through the toughest paper of all....
Last night's paper was a killer even though it's an open-book exam. It was so damn tough that I could see my fingernails turning purple and the urgency to go to the toilet. I hope I'll at least pass that module.
Well, 4 more days to ultimate freedom, or should I say temporal freedom....hmmm....
I question myself...is all in love fair? Well, all relationships are not perfect but we will always try our best to make everything perfect. I felt really stupid, always being there for him, and him not for me. I felt that it was so unfair for him to be selfish. I thought in a relationship, we should both be fair to each other and that we should care for each other constantly.
There were times when he gave me the impression, "Hey, I'm stressed-up, I can't help you." For me, most of the time, I understand that impression and never did I ever complain or add in more of the stress into him. Instead, I would rather ask him what happened and somehow, try to cheer him up. Today, I start to complain cause I was feeling really stupid. The fact that he get what he needs and I never got mine, is what really makes me feel so dumb.
I was at the point of depression before the exams started. I was alone, battling with my own emotions and at the same time, studying for the exams. The pressure inside me was too much. Nobody knew, not even him. I suffered in silence. I even planned to run away from home. Run away from all my problems, from everybody who makes me miserable. I had the perfect place in mind to find my own peace. But Thank Allah, I kept my faith strong. I managed to come to my senses and now, I'm already halfway through the exams.
He on the other hand, doesn't know anything. I kept my silence because I don't want to appear as weak to him and that I don't want to be a burden to him. I don't want him to see me with tears in my eyes. He found out after I start to bitch at him. Definitely I felt bad but I was sad because he wasn't there for me. When I need somebody to talk to, he just wasn't there for me. When I need somebody to hold on to, he just wasn't there for me.
The thing is that I never gave myself or him any excuses for not being there for him or even others. I always want him to stay happy, calm and patient, no matter what situation he's in. I don't mind him ranting his problems to me cause at least, he knows that I'm there for him as someone to talk to. For me, I've dealt my problems alone all these years. I think now I need someone as my emotional support as I go through different phases of my life...
I have yet to know how it feels like to have someone who's there for me constantly, who gladly pampers and loves me constantly. I know that it sounds like too much...but be proactive, man! You should know what a woman wants....
I hope he's reading this and I hope also, that he's not mad at me for posting this here...hehe....
I'm halfway through the exams period. 3 more papers to go before ultimate freedom. Next week, I'm having Structure Design on Monday, Wastewater Eng on Wednesday and Solid Waste Eng on Friday. I have so much to catch up on Structure Design. Not an easy module even though it's an open book exam. I hope it's not going to be the worst paper.
Today, Geo-Env was the worst paper that I sat for so far. I was mentally exhausted at the end of the paper and I couldn't describe the despair I was in while doing the paper for the whole 2.5 hours. Now, I just have to pray hard that I would at least pass the paper.
Anyway, it feels good to catch up with really old friends, especially those whom I'm close to last time. Girl or guy, it doesn't matter cause we used to be of the same clique years and years ago. I'm so missing those problem-free days....
Lastly, I miss my dearest. =( I wonder what he's doing in camp now....
I'm like mugging for Geo-Env now. My eyes hurt...but I'm not even done yet!! 10 more days to go before ultimate freedom...let's all suffer mentally for now....
Anyway, while mugging...like always, I have my entertainment. Here's all the must-see videos:
This is what I call sexy -- My Love by Justin Timberlake
Boy I got my eyes on you Tell me what you wanna do I can picture you in my room Until the mornin I don't even know your name Boy I need to know your name I'm hopin that you feel the same Tell me if you want it
Another OH-SO-SEXY video -- Tell Me by P.Diddy feat Christina Aguilera
And lastly, PCD's new video feat. Timberland, with Wait A Minute
I'm hungry now....I guess I just have to sleep with a hungry stomach...
Been studying since 10plus in the morning. Tomorrow is my 2nd paper. Haiz...I've been stucked in my room ever since the exams started. I even have all my meals in my room now. I tried to take some time off yesterday, as a sort of a emotional booster for me before I carry on with the rest of my battles.
I was happy throughout the time I was with him yesterday. I even forgot all the stress which was building inside me due to the exams. I smell freedom. Unfortunately, when I got home, I felt so emotionally drained. I was being accused of wasting my time and not getting my priorities right. I was just taking time off to be happy for a while but in the end, instead of shedding away some of the stress, I became more stressed-up. I don't understand why I'm still not given the freedom to decide what I want to do and how I want to go about it.
You call me weak when I broke down but now when I'm trying to prevent myself from breaking down by making myself happy, you accused me of all those immature stuffs!!!! You always force me to do things which are against my will. You know, I'm suffocating!!! I should be given the freedom at this age but instead, you always brought shame to me....
Everybody's making me so miserable. This misery is killing me inside. At times, the stress inside me caused me to take it all out on my boyfriend. He became the victim of my misery and I'm so so so sorry about it. At least, my boyfriend has always been the one to bring me the happiness.
I just want the exams to be over soon, if not I swear I'll run away from home.
1 down, 5 more to go. Next week's paper are Hydraulics and Geo-Environmental. *sighs*
Anyway, you know, when I miss him, what I will normally do is to look at our photos. Browse through them and relive those moments. Somehow, it kept me happy although it's been almost 2 weeks since we've met! If it doesn't make me happy, it'll make me cranky, and he knows that too well. Hehehe....
I'm deep into the exams mood now. It's so hard to think about boyfriends now. Haha...but this weekend, I'm meeting him. Yay!
Of all the times I could fall sick, I actually have to fall sick now, during the exam period. I'm down with the flu and I don't get enough sleep every night.
To makes things worst, tomorrow is my first paper. I'm at my wits end. I'm so so so nervous.
For your viewing pleasure....love this music at this period of time...
So, I've read, public blogs are very superficial. You only read the good things, making life sounds so perfect when actually it isn't. Oh wells, I have to admit that it's true and most of the time, I always blog the good things that are happening. Who actually wants to post the "downs" of their life and let the whole world read, right...
Honestly, my fairytale isn't only a fairytale. The different phases of the relationship that a couple has to go through is never a fairytale. Someday, there'll be a "happily ever after", but for now, let's all suffer. Haha....in terms of studies, my grades suck. I pulled through every semester, but like the Malays say it, "just enough to eat" (cukup makan). My life at home, being the only daughter, isn't a life of pampering and luxury. Being the only daughter is equivalent to being a maid and being stepped on everytime. In short, my life do suck but I can't possibly complain like a spoilt teenager. I guess now, is my phase of growing up. Thinking on the bright side, I do live a life with everything, a family, my own room, my own pets, a loving boyfriend, a circle of friends, a bright future and so many other stuffs.
What's to complain? Let's just pretend that my life is a fairytale with a happy ending at the end...
Anyway, I'm pretty happy today. That's a lie. I started the day feeling upset but later, I felt better after pouring everything out. I'm happier cause I finally can socialize with my older cousins. That's a good sign. Now, I feel that I need to learn from real-life experiences, and just sit there and listen. I need more advice now, rather than to advise, especially on relationships. I don't share my relationship problems with others now cause I don't think there's a need to...but, I only want to know what's right or wrong.
All of us have our own problems. Maybe I'm being too mean to him. Or maybe I'm being too needy. I don't know. But I still love him....
According to my last entry, I was pretty aware with the fact that I'm allergic to chicken and red meat. But then, when I start eating, I became very ignorant. I actually ate spaghetti at Cik Man's house and Mee Bakso at Cik Kiah's house last night and guess what, this morning, the breakout of rashes created a very "unsightly sight" on my body. And then, for dinner just now, I had a bowl of Yong Taufu...and guess what, I forgot that most of it is made up of chicken. Now, it's itchy all over.
Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! My mom laughed at me when I said to her, "Can you imagine, I can't eat KFC for my whole life???" She said that the food has cursed me because I used to avoid them as I called them fattening food. It's like as if I'm asking for it. Oh God, I'm really suffering....
Anyway, I finally did some serious revision today. I catch up on the second part of Wastewater Engineering and I'm kinda loving it. Hehehe...I'm going through Solid Waste for the whole weekend and will only start on WaterSupply which happens to be my first paper, only on Monday.
I miss my dearest. Exactly a month to his 21st birthday. Hmm...I wonder whether there'll be any birthday party. Hehe...Anyway, end of the week means no date for this week and to make things worst, he's in camp for the weekend. Probably I could squeeze some time for him next week in the evening if he wants to meet and we can have dinner. Sighs...he sooo damn faraway now and whenever his home, I'm never near to him...
Oh wells, here's something that I did:
You Are Left Brained In Love
Cool and clearheaded Tend not to get swept away Dependable and trustworthy Able to look at thing objectively Honest and direct in relationships Rely on standards when picking a man Good at solving relationship problems Ready to compete for your sweetie's heart Articulate, a good conversationalist, and witty Think overly romantic displays are a waste of time A few serious boyfriends as opposed to many flings Notice all of the details about your guy - good and bad
I never thought that I would feel restricted with what I eat at such a young age. I never thought, in my whole life that I would be allergic to red meat and especially chicken. There's so many things that I love to eat that I can't eat anymore. KFC, chicken noodle, chicken rice, fried chicken wings, chicken chop, Canteen A's chicken briyani, MacD's chicken foldover, mee soto and sooo much more.
It became pretty frustrating as I have to choose what I eat carefully. The doctors can't help me neither could my parents. I feel like Allah has taken away a HUGE nikmat from me, at such a young age. I've got a feeling that it has something to do with my anemia. Something's wrong in my system which no doctor can treat. It has been 4 months and the rashes kept coming back. I was rushed to the doctor once but the doctor couldn't do anything.
I am very sad. I was replenishing my own blood to cure my anemia when this heavy restriction fall onto me. I just hope and pray that one day, Allah will give me back the nikmat. I can't possibly live without KFC my whole life....
Well, today depicts my last day for this semester. I actually self-proclaimed it as my last day cause I'll be skipping school for the rest of the week. Hehehe...but for a good course...
I'll be starting my exams revision, full force, tomorrow. When I reached home from school today, I quickly begin to file my scattered notes and tutorials into their respective files so that I will have an easier time revising. My desk is so neat now. Hehehe...
You know, I really love my room. I used to be someone who doesn't like to clean my own room and my room is always dusty or dirty. Now, it's so different. It's like my very own haven. I became very organized ever since I realized that it's very hard to find my stuffs when it's scattered everywhere in my room and also, the dust in my room is so damn sickening. Yes, there's always the messy times which normally occur when I'm studying.
So how organized is organize? Above is the bed where I snooze, dream and drool every night. Haha....See the laptop on my bed? It's like my second laptop now, even though it belongs to my dad but it serves as a source of entertainment for me when there's nothing on the tv. Behind it is actually the "library". You can find any kind of books there. Baby books, comics, reader's digest, encyclopedia, romance novels, bookworm books, fairytales and whatsoever. The other cupboard serves as a gift cupboard whereby I'll store the gifts that he gave me as well as gifts that other people gave me. The racks serve as a place where I could place the remote controls and my handphone.
Then, at my desk, it's mainly my working area. My textbooks are placed in the cupboard and my files are properly aligned according to it's respective modules. There's also the noticeboard and the Cat calendar to remind me of special events or important dates.
On the same desk, at the other corner, I placed my drinking cups, 1 for hot drink, the other for cold drink. Ahhh...yess....some people might be wondering why I place my cups in my bedroom. That's because I don't share and I don't like unidentified people to ever use my cups. It's like sooo jijik. There's also a basket of unused toiletries, a bottle of orange peel and also my medication.
A place where no woman can live without. A dressing table. Hehehe....it's where I placed most of my accessories, make-up sets, perfume, moisturizers, make-up remover and all those girly stuffs here.
A corner of my room where I placed my laundry basket, a tupperware of tidbits which is currently empty except for a packet of M&Ms and 2 packets of cat food. Ahh yes...my room is not only a pleasant place for me, it's also a pleasant place for my cats to eat, play and sleep. The scratching post was a gift for me to Zufi for his good behavior. I still remembered the glimmer in his eyes when I brought it home. Hehehe....
This is the part of my room which I'm proud of the most. It's like a mini living-room in my bedroom. It's where I spend most of the time whenever I'm in my room. Obviously I watch the tv here, I have my teabreak here like for almost everyday, I fall asleep here in the middle of studying and I skype here. I only skype with my dearest. For those who doesn't know what in the hell is skyping, it's a much higher technology than the traditional phone. We communicate via the computer and we can do that for hours. A fun thing to do...although it's rather stupid to talk to the computer...hehehehe...
Well, that's a tour of my room. Now you know why I love my bedroom so much....
I had a very fun day on Sunday. My very first Hari Raya spent with the one I love most, after 2 whole years! We were both dressed in our traditional Malay clothes and we decided to wear beige-brown. One good thing was that I didn't have to move around on my heels and take public transport because he drove to our destinations! Thank God his dad offered us to use his car on that day, if not my legs would have turned wobbly by now.
But anyway, we started the day by going to Marsiling, to my friend's house and waited for the arrival of her boyfriend. After that, only the both of us went to Airin's, our secondary school friend, open house. It was pretty grand for a Hari Raya open house cause it's being held at the multi-purpose hall and a professional + celebrity DJ was being invited. The malu part was that we were being "interviewed" by the DJ. The questions he posed was pretty embarrassing to me because I'm not used to those type of questions. And thank God again, Hatta did all the talking while I had a very difficult time swallowing my food. Hehehehe.....
After that, we headed to my house and waited for the arrival of the other couple there. As my dearest has gotten used to meeting my family, it wasn't a problem for him to stay at my house, even for an hour. Took some photos there too. As my house and his house are very near to each other, we went to his house next. And that's the part which was so damn interesting for me.
Truthfully speaking, I was pretty nervous. You know, it's my very first time meeting his parents and coming to his house. I could barely speak, so I might as well keep quiet and I just smile here, smile there. His parents were pretty casual and friendly. They are not as conservative as he said they were. I actually made a presence in the kitchen and offerred to help his mom. Wahahahah....a good move, he said but you should have heard my heart "ping pong-ing" inside. Hehehehe....
Well, it was a good experience for me except for the fact that I spilled soup on the table and my bottom. Oops....!! Hehe...a sweet memory indeed cause I'll never forget that part. It gave me a good first impression and I hope I'm never going to be afraid again cause the next time, my friend won't be there to accompany plus inspire me again.
Lastly, we went to Clementi to my friend's boyfriend's house and then we parted. The day began well and ended well. Me and my friend agreed that we both had fun and if it wouldn't for me, she would not have been with us. He He...only the both of us know.....
The day ended too fast. The exams are next week and I have an upcoming quiz tomorrow. My dearest is back to work and he's suffering all the time. NS-life...I'll never understand. All I can do is to be there for him when he needs me cause no matter how busy we are in our lives, I'll always be standing beside him. And I'm glad that he is too....cause at this time of our lives, we need each other the most.
When he's happy, I'm happy. When he's sad, I'm sad. When he's angry, I'm angry. When he's in pain, I'm in pain too. It's just a feeling that naturally comes to me. From just merely words, I could feel it. I don't know why, but I know that I'll always love him, no matter what may come.
At last, when all the summer shine That warmed life's early hours is past, Your loving fingers seek for mine And hold them close—at last—at last! Not oft the robin comes to build Its nest upon the leafless bough By autumn robbed, by winter chilled,— But you, dear heart, you love me now.
Though there are shadows on my brow And furrows on my cheek, in truth,— The marks where Time's remorseless plough Broke up the blooming sward of Youth,— Though fled is every girlish grace Might win or hold a lover's vow, Despite my sad and faded face, And darkened heart, you love me now!
I count no more my wasted tears; They left no echo of their fall; I mourn no more my lonesome years; This blessed hour atones for all. I fear not all that Time or Fate May bring to burden heart or brow,— Strong in the love that came so late, Our souls shall keep it always now!
Exams are very very near right now. I'm starting to binge. Quite a lot of binging. I'm seriously gaining weight but the only excuse I gave myself is that, it's food for the brain. Hehehe...
While the exam period is coming, I'm missing so many things. So many things that I want to do in such a short period of time. All I can do is to dream of all those things only and furthermore, the boyfriend is too busy to layan my kerena.
Hari Raya this year is no different from last year's. I stayed at home for the whole week to study. Pretty miserable, especially when quizzes start to flow in and before I know it, it's already the exams. My quiz results have been very pathetic. Even failed one. I don't even know whether I'll be able to make it through this semester. I don't even know what to expect.
All I can do is to stay positive and to try my best.
Anyway, this year, no Hari Raya outing for the girls cause all of us are pretty stressed out by the exams. However, I managed to squeeze some time to celebrate it with my dearest and also with another couple, this Sunday. My first time meeting his parents and our first time celebrating it together this year. I have cold feet, but I'm pretty excited!! =D
Someone complained that my blog is always about him, him and him. You know, I lead a very boring life and the only spice I have in my life is him. Oh wells, what can I say, some people don't understand what it's like to be really in love. Hehehe....
Well, the boyfriend has been very very faraway ever since he booked in on Tuesday. I rarely hear from him anymore and also I never complained when we didn't really communicate for the past week. It became pretty lonely as I wait for him each day. But then, I've always stayed strong for myself and I'll always remind myself that I have to prioritize my studies and not let my emotions get in the way. *sighs*
I'm all stressed up in many-many ways. I vented all the stress through retail therapy and guess what, I spent almost 100 bucks within 2 days. It feels good actually. Other than that, I'm losing my sleep. I stayed up, 3 nights in a row to study and the puffiness of my eyes is very very visible right now, even my concealer doesn't have the power to conceal it.
I want the exams to end as fast as it can before I burst!!
