ego kills
Today marks the last day of my first semester in NTU.
Next week, I'll be sitting for my exams, the first paper begins a day after Hari Raya. It's very depressing, I know. I've gotten my confidence booster today, during Maths quiz, although dishonestly, and I'm willing to switch my engine to full power from tomorrow onwards.
Probably, this might be my last entry before my exams, unless I find the time to blog. I rarely blog nowadays cause I barely have time for anything else.
For the last time, today, I played Maple. Did quests and whatsoever.
And yah, I bought packets of strong coffee or in other words, high
caffeinated coffee so that I can start mugging.
Studies aside.
I have this principle in life that I shouldn't depend on others and I should strive for what I want myself. I shouldn't trust others cause they might backstab me. Sometimes, being too independent, made me too egoistic
plus unapproachable. At times, I want to do everything myself and later, I feel so damn lonely and
unwanted. But thinking of it in a positive way, independence made me a better person. I don't believe that I must hang on others for everything and anything, unless I'm
that desperate. It's like showing that I'm a weakling. I would rather show my capabilities and be the envy of others. At least, I'm useful to myself, my family, the society and everyone around me....
This principle actually made me wonder,
why are people so damn egoistic but still depend on others for everything? Well, I used to be full of ego. Now, that ego is dissipating away.....
QueenLiyn@23:26
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much better
Been
online window shopping for an MP3 player with my brother. Finally found something that's better than iPod Nano and Creative MuVo. It's cheaper. Of quality and well, there's more space for me than what I need. My brother's buying 2 MP3 players, one for him, the other for his girlfriend. I'm buying for myself cause I am in need of it.
Man, been striving hard. Studied Maths in the day and MOM at night. Fell asleep just now, even before I've started on MOM.....You know...I'm sooo
lembab on MOM...still at Chap 8 when others have moved beyond Chapter 10.....
*
sighs* Concept is more important to me now.....
It's better to be slow, rather than pressurizing myself to be within pace with the others...
QueenLiyn@23:51
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confidence is all i need
Did Sociology today. Don't ask me why I didn't concentrate on my core modules...but it's been quite sometime since I touched that module...
But anyways, I need to find my confidence back. I just need one lil achievement to drive that force in me. I need to at least do well in one of my quizzes.
Tomorrow, I'm studying Maths in the day and MOM at night. I have a Maths quiz next Thursday.
All I know is that for now, I'm facing one of the biggest obstacle in my life.....
All I need for this coming Hari Raya is to pass all my modules for this semester and move on to the next....and nothing else......
I'm scared of how things will turn out to be.....
*
sniff sniff*
QueenLiyn@00:57
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depression taking over me...
I'm halfway through my Sociology Essay. I'm upset about my failure on not being able to do my Prob and Stats test yesterday, after lacking of sleep for 2 days. No matter how much I've studied and put in my best, nothing seemed to work. I guess I really need to pump up my engine and burn the midnight oil for the exams.
It sucks when I fail.
Anyway, 13 more days to Hari Raya. This year, I'm going all black and I regretted tailoring my kebayas in the wrong size. Now, I've lost more weight, I'm gonna look ugly in them no matter how expensive the kebayas are. But one thing, my hair's longer now...A lil bit
leceh but I want to keep long hair...so let's see how long I'll last with long hair.....
But I've got no mood for Hari Raya.
*
sniff sniff*
I miss my dearest....
I want to eat Japanese food....
And 2 more weeks to my exams.....
I'm sooo depressed.....
QueenLiyn@23:19
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out of the blues....
Started the day feeling very very weak cause I only had 4 hours of sleep last night. Studied till very late at night and had to wake up early. I'm not used to that type of routine. Walked very slowly to school and was late for my first tutorial class for the day.
Now, I feel rather light-hearted. Tomorrow, I'm sitting for my Prob and Stats test, first thing in the morning. Thanks to Denise, now I know how to do
normal distribution and also
expectation. What's going to come out during the test is going to be expected. Still not that confident that that it's going to be easy cause the first test was relatively easy.
Sighs...but still, I must buck up.
After tomorrow's test, I'm going to catch up on Sociology and do my 1000-words essay assignment. It's due next Tuesday. After that, I have to start doing Maths cause I have a quiz on it next Thursday!!!!
Okay...I'll stop talking about schoolwork....
Anyway, it's been quite some time since I had a proper conversation with a guy, other than my boyfriend. Today, during Eng Drawing,
fireman sat beside me and he started a conversation. Interesting. He was asking about how his girlfriend was like in secondary school and we laughed at the people that both of us know. He's lucky to have an air-stewardess as a girlfriend. After that, we were only talking about school, school and more school. And he's wondering how my boyfriend actually looks like.... Hahaha....
Ok...so I actually gave permission to my brother to give my number to his girlfriend. If you ask me, why I allow that and that previously, I wasn't happy when someone actually gave his girlfriend my contact? Oh wells, I should create a
bond with my future sis-in-law
mah.... I don't care about other people's girlfriends....
Family more important. And that reminds me, I have yet to do something......shhhhhh.....
QueenLiyn@23:08
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misfortune
My laptop crashed...
!@#%$^**
QueenLiyn@00:07
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everything in my life is so fake.
Been studying Fluid Mechanics since last night. I'm having the quiz on Monday. I wouldn't say that it's difficult. It's just that I did quite badly for my first quiz and I need to buck up for my second quiz or I'm going to have a tough time during my exams.
I'm still not feeling ok. I just feel so sad. I'm on the verge of giving up. On the verge of going into depression. Disappointed in myself. Luckily, I have my Mama. She had a talk with me after my breaking down, two nights ago. And well, after a long time, I really had a good cry. But still, the feeling of
un-okay is still there. My boyfriend seems so far away from me now. I think he don't want to disturb me when, actually I need him the most now. Only that I never say it out loud.
Cause that's what boyfriends are meant for. I mean, he was the first one whom I ranted my feelings to when I was feeling down. And he is supposed to stand by me when I'm going down and infuse more confidence in me till I really feel okay. The way I felt was much more obvious to my friends, but I don't want to let them know in the first place cause I don't want to influence them with the way I felt.
Well, I just wish that he would have cared for me more.
That's just the way I feel. Hope he knows....
Anyway, thanks Aisyah for taking initiative on doing the proposal for our EID project next semester. Well, the rest doesn't seem to care or know what's going on but we'll just submit the proposal, no matter what. ;)
*
sighs* 2 more weeks to the exams...............................
QueenLiyn@17:21
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tears to my eyes...
When I thought that I will never cry.....
I cried....
QueenLiyn@11:53
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dishearted me.....
Just finished studying for MOM test for tomorrow.
I'm dead beat. But I've gotta keep on moving cause I have 2 tests next week.
Believe it or not, I failed my Foundation Physics test. The marks are rather bad. It's expected. I don't even want to flip through my paper when my tutor was going through the paper. It's very disheartening to see that
kind of marks when I've never failed before. I wanted to wail out loud when I saw my marks, but I couldn't. I couldn't possibly breakdown. I couldn't possibly shed any tears.
This is a lesson for me, my mom said. Never take things for granted. I've gotta work 110% harder for the exams.
This time, I'm really going to set my priorities right. No more Maple Story till the exams are over. My free time must be filled with a lot of reading and practising.
Haiz...I think I've gotta stop skipping lectures or tutorials.
Probably I'll go for my morning tutorial tomorrow, if I'm able to wake up.....
ANyway, Chiew Fang called me. She's my ex-colleague from Atotech and she wants me to help out in the lab in November. It falls during my exam period. But I guess, there's no harm working for only a day. I asked her to help me ask the laboratory supervisor on whether I can work there during my vacation next year.
Hopefully...I am able to....well...I need the money for my 3rd year in Uni....
*
sighs*
I'm being demoralized pretty badly....
QueenLiyn@00:44
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lagging
Damn! I'm lagging 5 tutorials behind for Engineering Probability and Statistics.
*
sighs*
Like they always say....you can never force love.................
QueenLiyn@23:21
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when d going gets tough.....
I know that it's been quite some time.
Been busy studying for my upcoming test this Thursday while helping my mom. My brain has been
cut into several parts everyday. I had migraines during the day when I'm fasting, but it's okay, I'm used to the pain.
I'm having a hard time juggling stuffs in school. I feel that I'm soo behind time that I have got to catch up before the exams. I've been skipping lectures so often that I feel that I'm lacking behind. But I'm not fooling around and I'm not even on the verge of giving up. The thing is that...I'm trying very very hard to catch up! I lacked behind because, I realized that compared to others, I tend to pick up things slower and I need more time to absorb. Thank God I have friends to clarify my doubts with.....
I won't say that I'm lousy. Maybe a
little stupid. But this is one of the biggest obstacle I have to overcome in my life.
I'm scared.
Who says getting a degree is easy stuff?
QueenLiyn@23:37
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aint proud of it
Abang Zul's favourite cousin has just got married.
Secretly.
Ouch...
QueenLiyn@13:43
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7 things.....
Something interesting that I found in Juni's blog.....
7 things that scare me :
1. failure
2. physical activities
3. creepy crawlers
4. losing faith
5. being hated
6. gaining weight
7. losing something precious to me....
7 people that i love most ;
1. Mama
2. Abah
3. Hatta
4. Zufi
5. Brothers
6. Lappy
7. Shopping
7 important things in my room ;
1. bed
2. laptop
3. air-con
4. tv
5. books
6. photos
7. clock
7 random facts abt me ;
1. ambitious
2. lazy
3. easy-going
4. tall for a girl
5. stubborn
6. independent
7. sad
7 things i plan to do b4 i die ;
1. have a successful career
2. get married
3. have kids
4. live happily ever after
5. seek forgiveness
6. bertaubat
7. die
7 things i can do;
1. study for one whole day
2. lying without blinking
3. use d Net for more than 12 hours
4. shiok-sendiri
5. day-dream
6. gossiping
7. play whatever i wan to play!
7 things i cant do ;
1. fix stuffs
2. sleep early
3. express myself
4. eat mutton
5. to be love-less
6. giving up
7. cheat
7 words i say most ;
1. harlow
2. why??!
3. lol
4. kekekeke.....
5. whatever
6. oh okay
7. huh?
7 celeb crush ;
1. Brad Pitt
2. Adam Brody
3. Tom Cruise
4. George Clooney
5. Ashton Kutcher
6. Taufik Batisah
7. Justin Timberlake
7 peeps i love to see do this ;
1. Aisyah
2. Denise
3. Hatta
4. Juni
5. Syahirah
6. Steph
7. Anyone who reads my blog....
QueenLiyn@01:25
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hard work pays...
2nd day of Ramadhan.
I'm still fighting myself...
Tutorials were okay. They kept me awake cause that's the time I listen. But then, I slept through lectures today.
Couldn't pry open my eyes anymore during Chemistry and therefore, I skipped 2 hours of Maths lecture...and went home... Grrrrrr......
The route to success....is
DISCIPLINE....
Where has that gone???
I'm such a lazy-bum...
Grrrr....
Anywayyyy....I lost 2 kilos!!!!!! Didn't even gain after the breaking of fast. *
jumps up and down* I didn't eat a lot during
sahur neither did I eat that much during
buka. This reminds me of something. Since yesterday, I realized that people, especially ladies in school were like wearing baju kurung or long long blouses. I follow suit today by wearing my blue kimono-style blouse. Well, I kinda like to wear it especially when it looks unique compared to what others wear. More to come for the next few weeks.
And oh yah, be prepared for a surprise tomorrow. I'm wearing
baju kurung!!!!!
LOL....really I just asked my mom to alter it to make it smaller and I'm happier now with the way it looks on me....I know I don't really like to wear baju kurung but I've gotta respect this fasting month. Maybe I'll learn from this. Who knows, probably, I might change the way I dress in the future...
Haiz... I don't know why but I must learn how to resist the temptation of breaking the rules.
Anyway, on this day, a year ago, I did something that I never thought that I will ever do. I told Aisyah what happened a year ago. I even told her the reason I did it which was to grab the oppurtunity before I lose him forever. I did.
It's weird. Thinking of it.
I'm just being
THICK-skinned....
Muka tembok...
LOL...but it's worth all of it after a year.
Doubtful. But it's my hardwork.... Or should I say...our hard work...
Happy 1 Year Anniversary....
QueenLiyn@22:00
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1st Ramadhan..
First day of Ramadhan. Didn't fast today but I lived on only a cup of coffee and a bar of Crispy chocolate for breakfast till the time we break our fast....
Hungry...but well, knowing the
dieter me, I can live without food for a day!
Though it's already Ramadhan, I don't know how many times I actually sweared today. It's just a habit that I've picked up for the past few months. Things didn't go my way, so, I sweared!!!
Anyway, this morning, I was rather shocked to find out that my message was read when I sent it to Perfect 10. On my way to school while listening to radio, I so-called "
play-play" and messaged Vernon A. and Justin Ang. I didn't expect it to be read, especially when I thought that I was writing nonsense. But well, found out about it from Hatta. I was like..."
Lol-ling" all morning...
Hmmm....studying MOM now. Head wanna burst. Went to meet A/P Paulus Irawan yesterday and guess what, I got nagged at for not knowing simple concepts and taking information too slow. Oh well, my brain is kinda lagging right now...Can't help it....
Oh wells, how am I supposed to increase the speed of my brain??????
QueenLiyn@20:09
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my silent cries....
No matter how bad people can hurt me with words, no matter how bad they break my heart, no matter how much my heart cries for help....
All I can do is to put all the pain in a box somewhere inside my heart..
Pretending that I'm strong and unaffected...
But still...my heart just cries...
QueenLiyn@21:50
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When the time is right....
Hi...been quite some time since I blogged a proper entry.
Anyways, believe or not, I'm totally addicted to maple story. It keeps me away from my books during the weekends. But still, I managed to do 2 tutorials for Fluid Mechanics so as to catch up with the module and I caught up with 2 chapters for MOM.
Hehe...sooo happy that today, I finally met up with my dearest. Finally...finally. Missed him sooo much until today. This Thursday, our relationship has bloomed for exactly a year. I'm soo glad that at least, I've achieved something in my love life, for the first time in my life.
It's the starting of the fasting month on Wednesday. I'm prepared to lose a lot of weight. I know that if I lose weight further, I will look
UGLY in my new Hari Raya clothes.
You know, I'm not going to let my grades slipped down further, before I even start on it. I'm frustrated on the fact that I didn't get an A on Chemistry and I got C's for 2 of my mid-term quizzes.
During the month of Ramadhan, I'm going to fight all my temptations and do what I think is right.....
Insya-allah.....
QueenLiyn@20:27
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Fat
I'm feeling one thing now....
The feeling of being fat...again.................................
QueenLiyn@01:06
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usefulness...
This blog is becoming more useful ....
Don't you think so?
QueenLiyn@01:45
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