The truth....
I thought I want to publish this entry in Friendster but well, there's going to be to much publicity so...I guess...I'll shout it all out here....
I'm just trying to express what's been buried inside my heart that I haven't taken out for months or even talked to anyone about it....
Well, here goes.....
Been blog-hopping and everyone's talking about love, relationships, feelings, broken-hearted and anniversaries. Haiz...talk about love...I'm Dr Love. But well, I, myself, have a love psychiatrist. Kekeke...
I've been broken by love time and again. That's cause I never learn from my mistakes. I do not care enough cause I wasn't committed. I do not understand enough to make my relationships stronger...But well, I'm still learning to love.
Yes, in the past, there were the puppy loves. In primary school, I fell for that big-sized and chubby guy by the name of Zulkarnain (not A.zuL). But well, he turned out to be a playboy in secondary school cause he's like a charmer. *pukes* Why do I ever fall for him? And then, not forgetting the memorable Syawal. The handsomest guy in school who actually lose his front teeth while playing at the playground. LOL...tat's so lame! But he's really very good-looking. WOnder how he looks like right now.
Before primary school, I had a childhood sweetheart by the name of Eddie or A.Eddie. He's nice. He cared for me a lot. He still misses me nowadays. He will always asked his mom to call my mom to let him and me meet. The last time we met was like...urm....last 2 years I think.... But well, I was never interested in him. It's nice to know that he still likes me...HAHAHA!
But way before all these guys came into my life, there's one guy, that always stayed there in my heart, no matter how many guys came into my life. I was being "
seduced" by him when I was younger. My first kiss from him....and whatsoever, he was the first one to hold my hand and also the first one to bring me around alone. Surprise? Never be surprise cause I loved him for more than 10 years. Physically, he's my dream guy. To me, he has always been perfect even though he did ever cry in front of me.
Well, to think I would marry him eh. But he broke my heart twice. I hated him for that. I suffered from great depression because of him. And I'm glad that after more than a decade of filling him in my heart, I finally drained it all out. I let him go.
Anyways, in secondary school, I fell in love at first sight with Azhar, that big-teethed yellow-minded monster. LOL! I don't know why I ever fall for him. Maybe I'm too blind. But well, I was still young and immature. People thought I would love him forever in secondary school but wahhh...things were never the way it seemed. I never did like anyone else after that. But I secretly fell for someone else and I hated it when other girls wanted to be with him. I didn't breathe a word to anyone cause I know I'm not the type of girl that he likes. I know that he likes one of the girls, so, in a way I lose hope cause I'm nothing compared to her.
I just let everything come and go. None of my friends or him suspect anything except for Sukhairen. She knew it a long long time ago. She said that I'm crazy. Till now, she still says that. But I'm telling the whole truth here cause I want to let it all out. I never thought that he will end up in the same poly as me.
That's when I started thinking. Yes, I was with Z that time but that never stopped me from thinking of H. I just know that I wanted to be with him, only that I was scared to tell him that. Cause I'm not fit to love him or be with him. I just don't know what to feel. You know, it's just that funny feeling came out whenever I see him around school. I feel different. Yes, during the weekly lunches that we had during our first year in poly, we normally ended up alone when Chaili and Yee Chuan couldn't make it. I
pretended that I don't want to lunch with him alone but that's what I've been hoping for, to be alone with him.
That hope only came true when I finally told him how I felt. Telling him my true feelings gave me sleepless nights and losing of appetite. That's where I started to lose weight slowly. I really am very nervous whenever it comes to him, then. In time, I feel much better and less doubtful everytime, we become closer.
If you ask me why I love him? I will only say... I love him for who he is...cause I myself can't find the reasons to that...
And now, Hatta, you know the whole truth.....every part of it is true.....
QueenLiyn@00:52
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