ignorance.is.a.feminine.virtue

Exhilarated

Being a girl is very difficult. So...the time of the month is here again...Pain day...

ANyway...today, went out to shop around. It was scorching hot outside today. Couldn't even feel the breeze of the air-con in the car. Sweat like hell. We only wanted to go to places with air-con. Went to Changi Airport just to walk around. I bought assorted chocolates and candies there. Ya...it's expensive...but worth it!

Emm...just couldn't stop talking about uni today. Suddenly feel so excited. Hahah...got another letter from them, inviting me for tea. Hee...I'm glad to attend it cause I never step my foot in there before. While talking about uni, we were talking about the importance about life there. It's not the food. Ya...of course the main thing is studying. But another important thing is the people that I'm going to meet there. I want to enjoy my last few years of education. I don't want it to be a drag and everyday...is about study, study and study... Made the decision to meet the Malay people there, mainly the ladies wearing the tudungs. They say that they are the role models of the Malay community cause they are the scholars. Not the Minahs okay. And of course...not forgetting the Malay guys. Hopefully, there'll be a higher number of Malays in my course.

Abah encouraged me to join the Muslim students society there. I need to think about it. Socializing is good but the influence is not necessarily good. Maybe, I might decide to join or just to sample life in a students society. I want more Malay friends now. For years, I lack of them cause I prefer making friends with the Chinese. But now, to enjoy...Malay friends might be a better choice.

Ya...3 years will pass by very fast. My aim is to finish my education at 23 years old, latest. I can't possibly be studying for my whole life. I do have another BIG dream to fulfill, that is to have a successful career. I'm working hard for that now. I know...at one part of my life, I would fail...but when there's failure, there's always success if a lot of effort is being put into it. And also, though I would say that at times, I don't want to get married...but my heart always says a different thing . Who doesn't want to get married, right? Unless you want to become a spinster for life. That's what I always say...LOL...

Emm...had a talk with my mom. Next week's the kenduri. I am ready to face the people...and to annouce the good news. And...I'm NOT going to deal with my past, unless he comes to me. Things would become much more heaty if there's presence of the girl. But...I'm NOT going to talk to him. I prefer to hang out with Juni and talk cock.

QueenLiyn@22:03

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Sleepyhead

I just wanna sleep...YAwNZ!!!

Have a good weekend everyone...

CIAO!

QueenLiyn@23:12

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Brokkee

I'm officially broke. Flat broke. Mama gave me 50 bucks. *cries out loud* Yeah..never in the world would I imagine that I have to ask Mama for some money. My salary haven't come in yet. Fark! But I can last for a few more days with 50 bucks in my pocket. Haven't been opening my wallet for quite some time...sooo....*sighs*

Emm...work today was okay. Cleared 3-quarters of Tech Service in the morning and didn't even touch any QC. It's rather tiring cause I ran here and there but well, that's how work is like...
Thank God tomorrow is Friday. Long weekend waiting ahead....haizz...

After work, I went home with him. I was stuck in the traffic jam cause it was raining and arrived rather late at the CCK MRT station. Coincidentally, I saw him there from afar...but then...honestly...I actually saw him at the place where he alighted from the bus. Haha...sharp eye sight! Anyways...we watched the sunset for the first time together.... The sun looks big and it's so obvious that we can see it setting...

Urm....been reading someone's blog in Friendster. It's nice to read something new and lovely. I like to read meaningful stuffs not stupid stuffs like condemning themselves or anything like that...

Anyways...it's like half an hour to 1 in the morning...have to bunk in now...soooo CIAO!!

QueenLiyn@00:34

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Unhappy week....

Listening to: Getting Away with Murder by Papa Roach

Just gave lil Zufi a bath and an attack on his teeth and gums. Hahaha! He meowed angrily at me in the toilet and I nagged and nagged at him. Now...he smells of my soap and he has Listerine breath! Hahahahahaha...

At work today, I was commented as a lousy supervisor. The thing is that my mood is lousy, so you can't blame me for being so lousy. Just don't have the mood to deal with people. Yes, the wet lab becomes a war zone if I'm gone from there for more than an hour. People will keep asking for me even when I'm only in the dry lab and within reach.

Just don't have the mood to talk or help anyone. Damsels in distress or knights falling off their horses...I don't care. Just need to be with myself. Bad PMS for this month. Actually for the month of May...

Emm...been watching a lot of TV. Rarely come online nowadays. Nothing to do here anyway. Most of my research whether personal or professional, are done at work. Come online at home, to blog and check Friendster. Only at certain times, I would stay online longer to chat with either him or my cousins. But even chatting with my cousins are so boring right now. On the other hand, I guess he's busy with his project and he's rather tired, so can't disturb him. Well, time spending in front of the television is rather exciting with the daily dose of programmes on cable.

Just decided on scrambled eggs for lunch tomorrow. To me, breakfast actually becomes lunch. And lunch normally...is like...a no-no. But I think...I'm getting fat....LOL...

Oklah....still hoping for my pay to roll into my bank account tomorrow...and for d rest of the week. This week has been rather bad fon me...at least please give me something to be happy about.... Nothing big...something small is good enough...

QueenLiyn@18:51

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A stroke

Been sleeping excessively for the past few days. The more I sleep, the more I can't wake up in the morning... Hmmm...I'm free of migraine, stress, stiff neck and everything else.... Enough sleep, good diet...and err....lack of exercise...HAHAHA!

Who says it's difficult to maintain a good diet?

Work today was okay. A lil bit fierce on the newcomers. But what the heck. Even my laughter becomes fake at work cause I laugh for the sake of laughing, not laugh because it's funny. PMS. PMS.

Haiz....sooo sian. Have yet to get my pay. My colleagues already got them...except for me...sooo sad....

My entries are getting shorter and shorter. Nothing interesting to talk about anymore...

Urm...it's been a long time since I say this. Just wanna take it out after a long time. I love him.....there...I said it...Hehehehe....

Feel better...

Oklah...this is it...Ciao!

QueenLiyn@23:27

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Duality

Listening to: Opium of the People by Slipknot

And the horoscope for dearest Ms Pisces today is......

These waters may look calm, but don't hang out here forever. It's time to move.
Every now and then, you need to get emotionally intense, experience a tender exchange of sentiments or just sit down and have a heart-to-heart with someone. This is definitely one of those times. You won't settle for anything that even remotely smacks of a surface encounter. You want depth, intensity and passion -- and if you don't get them, you'll take your toys and go home.

Nice...just what I've been thinking for quite sometime...

Anyways...today work was okay. My dearest dearest dearest BIG toe is very swollen right now. Had a hard time walking. I did feel the pain last night but I just brushed it off cause I believe that the swell will go away the next day...But I was wrong! While I was walking around with my safety boots at work today, I could feel the pain.... You know...how hard the front part of the boots can be...cause of the metallic part...

I bear with the pain until after lunch when I opened my shoe. And I swore that I saw pus coming out...Oh my God...I was damn shocked!!!! It couldn't be an inner growth! Maybe it's my fault cause I'm too lazy to do pedicure. Now...look what happened! I did try to numb my toe so that I wouldn't feel the pain by covering it tight with a plaster...

It got worst an hour later when I started to kick the desk screaming in pain...Went to the toilet...and it was all blue. Fark! I was so damn farking in the toilet...Urghhh...No choice...but had to change to my sandals...felt good after that...Whew....stupid toe...

Going back to work...I did wet work only in the morning and sat the rest of the day in the dry lab doing paperwork cause I've got a deadline to meet. Never know that doing paperwork is damn tiring...Will be doing the same thing for the rest of the week. Nevermind...need to heal my toe...

Err...today I am having my pre-menstrual syndrom....and stupid toe...

*loud sighs*

Oh ya...I'll be sending my very last semester's results to NTU tomorrow...hehe...

Well, I'll end here... PAIN ARHHH!!!!

Bye.

QueenLiyn@20:52

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Lamer

I'm very sleepy right now. Should be in bed but what da hell am I still doing here???

I'm enjoying my last moments spent in the Net for tonight. Haha...that's so lame...

That's all I've gotta say. Nightz!

QueenLiyn@23:12

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Choices

Hehehehehe...getting my triple pay this week. Woohoo!!! But I'm dividing that money so that I don't overspend. Probably buying more pants cause I don't have pants that are of my size and maybe buy a new pair of sports shoe...

In short, I'm preparing myself for school.

Yay! I love shopping. But depends on my mood whether I want to shop or not cause shopping like this requires me to travel further.

You know, I've been having very weird dreams nowadays. Don't really remember them. 2 nights ago, I dreamt that I was given different brands of perfume and was asked to choose the one that I'm going to wear on. It was hard to choose between Lacoste, Elizabeth Arden and Gucci. They are all like...damn expensive. I don't know why...but I chose none of them. I prefer to stick to my own perfume. To me, my perfume smells the best lah...Hahaha....

On the other hand, last night, I dreamt that I've gotta choose the right room in a BIG house. There were conflicts and arguments between the people and me in the house...but I think I got the room that I wanted cause I woke up from my sleep happily in the morning...

The thing is that...my dreams were all about choices. I don't know what choice I have to make. Yes, in this life, I've made certain choices that requires me to sacrifice or take risks. But I never regret making those choices. I do make mistakes but I learn from them. At times, I'm even scared of making my choices cause I can end up being torn in between of two choices.

Logically, people will think that I always go for the shortest way out. But it's not true...I prefer the longer way out. I think I'm like that cause I don't believe in making shortcuts in life. Cause we have to suffer and work hard in order to get the thing that we really really want.

And you know what...it's almost half a year now...and I've fulfilled half of my New Year's resolutions...From acquiring good grades to losing 15 pounds!! Woo hooo...!!!

I'm sooo proud of myself....though I got the things I've worked hard for...but I'm still overcoming the hardships in life....sooo...don't think that my life is that easy...

But well...life has its ups and downs. Just put the smile on my face...and everything will be fine...

QueenLiyn@00:08

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Almost Here

"Almost Here"

Did I hear you right
'Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over

You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where a love once shined so bright
Came without a reason

Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's
Not enough
But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me

Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's
Not enough
But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you, you're almost here
(Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you)
And when I hold you, you're almost here
(Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted)
(Now I'm with you, I'm close to tears
'Cause I know I'm almost here)
Only almost here

QueenLiyn@11:44

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Bad Girl

Listening to: I have nothing by Whitney Houstan

Feeling very sleepy right now. Plan to wake up late tomorrow.

Today, I'm a bad girl at work. Keep surfing the Net. I wasn't fooling around ok. I was reading up articles on eating disorders and doing some research on different banks to regarding their savings account. Think maturely...why would I play games and go to stupid websites? Macam takde keje lain gitu...

Anyway, I'll be spending more time in the dry laboratory rather than the wet laboratory for the next few weeks. In a way, I go up another level in the laboratory. I mean, I'm more like a supervisor now rather than a student or just another lab technician. I can scold if I'm unhappy with their performance. Today, I really did make someone unhappy cause I'm unhappy at his performance. After that, he tried hard to get back into my good books. Haha....

Nowadays, I would rather listen than talk cause at times, there are too many things in my head and all the words are jumbled up. What I'm supposed to say, ask or do...I will forget..and later I'll regret...hahaha... Fortunately, migraine hasn't attacked me for like more than 2 months. I don't think so much like before. I prefer to laugh it off and concentrate on other things.

Today, I can say I'm a bad girl, in the way I dress. Improper attire for a Muslim girl like me. You see, nobody sees how I'm dressed when I leave the house. Nobody can stop me from wearing what I wear. So, today, after years, I wore my blue spaghetti strap top. Before I went out of the house, I cover up with my black sweater so that it isn't obvious. And well, of course I didn't show off my body. Crazy ar?? But my navel was showing. I cover up with a black T-shirt at work so that it isn't that obvious. When I reached home, Mama and my brother was shocked to see what I was wearing. They were pushing me quickly to the toilet to get changed before Abah gets home...I was just laughing...

I know...Abah will be mad if he sees me wearing that. I definitely won't dress that way when I'm out with Hatta. That's so improper...Aiyah..I just feel like dressing up. Once in a while. Show a lil bit of skin. Hahahahahahahaha....

I'm soooo bad....

Hah...oklah...I'll just end here...sooo Ciao!

QueenLiyn@22:38

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Slacker working...

At work right now. Skipped lunch cause stomach's not feeling well. Don't know why. Only ate a packet of butter biscuits...

Urghh....

Slacking away here cause I've got almost nothing to do. Mostly paperwork and a lot and a lot of thinking to do. I gave all the analysis and the wet work to Royston and Chiew Fang. I'm not allowed to help them...hahahah...

Oklah....I'll blog again later when I reach home...ciao!

QueenLiyn@12:52

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Don't want to be fat again....

After much thought, I've decided to apply for a debit card. Cause I'm going to work for another 2 months, so, I've gotta learn to save. Negotiated with Mama on how I'm going to go about this, so as to change my unhealthy lifestyle. She understand and well, this will be the only way for me to learn how to save...

Anyway, work today is good. Slacking day. I let Royston and Chiew Fang suffer themselves in the wet laboratory as I surf Net and shake my leg in the dry laboratory. I will only help them when they ask me questions which doesn't require me to use my hands. Haha....

After work, I went home with him. Before we met, I actually saw him amidst the heavy traffic at CCK MRT station but he didn't see me. I was observing him from afar. I thought he saw me when his eyes darted at my direction. But you know what...you should see how fast his eyes darted around.... Even though his head isn't turning but I could see his eyes from afar. Hah..I wonder where they are darting at...cause he didn't even see me!

LOL....

Know what...my parents don't approve of the way I look now. They said that I'm too thin and they really don't like it. But I told them that my weight is still rather high, my waist is still above 25inches and my butt is still so big...yet they still say that I'm kurus kedengkik. Maybe, I'm not supposed to look like this. The only thing that they hope is that I wouldn't turn aneroxic. Cause I'm NOT!!! I eat a lot okay. Fatty food and everything...and I always feel fat. Okay...so that're some symptoms of aneroxia...at times....you eat really a lot and then take it all out and then later, you won't eat at all. Scary...but in my whole life, I've never been thin. NEVER...but I don't want to be fat again even when I'm married and got pregnant with a dozen kids...I still don't want to be fat.

You don't know how it feels to be someone wearing double extra large clothings and occupying double extra large space. I've been obese for 5 years. It's time for me to lose my fats.

*sighs*

QueenLiyn@23:50

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A dream...

I wish I never woke up from my dream this morning. I wish my handphone never did ring on time this morning. I wish I would just stay in dreamland forever...cause there...everything just comes true...

It just feels real. It feels rather good and satisfying. I just feel happier and content. I wish it's for real. I wish it wasn't just a dream.

I just wish he knows....

QueenLiyn@23:27

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Suck at teaching...

Emm....so sleepy right now. Everyday also very sleepy. Last night, I dozed off in bed while watching Desperate Housewives. Just couldn't keep my eyes open. In need of a lot of sleep. Reducing the amount of nights that I would stay up late...no staying up till 12 midnight everyday. Once or twice a week can.

Haiz...I'm getting fat. No doubt. Haha....guilty of eating a big bag of Ruffles and chocolates! Hahaha....I've been indulging myself in fatty and sweet food nowadays. Don't know why. Start to eat carbohydrates again...I mean I've been eating rice for these few days. Maybe it's because I've not been shopping that's why I'm back to my old habit of eating....

Somehow...I'm stressed out. Physically and mentally. Tired. Need a lil bit of fun. But fun to me now seems so limited. Don't know why..maybe it's just because I'm working. Urghhh....I'll bear with it for another month...

Anyway...today at work, I basically suck. I suck at teaching. Actually, I can teach hands on....just open up your heart and mind...and I can gurantee that whatever I teach you...you will be able to absorb..Haiz...I gave up teaching Royston after lunch and I stayed in the dry laboratory to do filing.

OKlah...will have to get to sleep now...Nightz...

QueenLiyn@23:22

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Choco-choco lates

Craving badly for chocolates. Just finished a packet of kinder bueno. I'm a craze for chocolates. In the fridge, I have pistachio flavored chocolate bar, unsweetened one. And I still have the Hershey's chocolate kisses that he gave me during V-day. I eat a lil bit here and there...then I'll keep it until the next time I crave for it again....

It's very normal for me to love chocolates. Mama said that that's what she ate most when she was pregnant with me. If it wasn't chocolates, it would be ketam masak lemak chilli padi. And now....you know why it's what I love to eat...

Hmm...work today was okay. A lil bit mad at Royston cause he was so blur as he doesn't have any clue at what he's doing after I kept reminding him dozen of times. So, I spent my time teaching Chiew Fang how to analyze Cadmium Cyanide. And another thing, today, I had to demonstrate how to use the CVS and the AAS to Atotech's customers. Imagine standing in front of all the tall and big-sized ang mohs. Lay Nah said that she would be beside me...but well, I was left alone. I'm so scared and nervous. But I hid everything well. Told myself that this is not in school, this is for real. I did well. Got complimented....hehehe.....I so happy....

What more to say eh.....

Still getting used to how I look like....must change the way I dress...Hahaha....you are crazy if you want me to change the way I dress...

Hahah...downloading a whole series of Bon Jovi's songs....wooo....oklah...ciao for now...

QueenLiyn@20:11

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Future

Stayed home for the whole day. Mopped the floor in the morning and then, I stayed in my room for the rest of the day. Watched VCDs on my laptop. It's been a rather long time since I did that. The last time was during my examinations. Normally, for me to concentrate on what I'm studying, I'll either play a movie on my laptop or blast really loud music in my ears. In this way, I won't be paying attention to my surroundings or think too much.

I can't study when it's very quiet. I need my own solitude. I can't be distracted by laughter or anger when I'm studying. And I'll give up on anything that I am focusing on. The thing is that I take my studies seriously. Well, I won't deny that something came in between my studies, a few months back. But I got back into track...didn't I?

Hah....I love studying. I prefer studying to working. At the end of next month, I would have a total of 1 year of work experience in two different fields. I'm glad that I met that target. Working is very sucky. Dealing with the real world really sucks. At least, studying is damn easy despite all the exams. But for studying, examinations come once in a semester but for working examinations come everyday.

So, who says working is easy??

Hmm...had a funny dream last night of Hatta. I dreamt that he gave me something but well, I never got the chance to open it. I'm still wondering what's inside.

Haiz...next Thursday, I'll be receiving my very last results from polytechnic. After 3 years, now, I wouldn't say that I hate poly days. But it just wasn't fun at all. I had my ups and downs. Some excitement but mostly are studies. Made quite a group of friends. Friends come and go.

Remembering my first year, I was struggling to hold on to my studies. I wasn't prepared to deal with many equations. I hung out in big groups, but always got left out cause I'm like the only Malay there. There was some excitement especially when I have my weekly lunches with my close friends and not forgetting that amazing confession that someone made. Scary...but well...I wasn't a least bit moved....Cause I wasn't interested in starting a relationship in school...

My second year, I grew fatter. And cause I gained a lot of weight, I also look bigger. Physically, I tried to change myself. I did something to my hair. I looked older. To me, that time, I looked nice lah...now...I think my looks suck. I tried to lose weight. I mean...I really did try. But to no avail. Nothing could make me lose weight. No motivational support or encouragement...and I just keep gaining everyday....But well, in my second year in poly, my results were at a tip top condition. My results slips were raining with many A+...!! But when there's success, there's always failure. I fall emotionally and I got my heart broken rather badly.....

Third year, fresh from industrial training. Ready for my last semester spent in school. I started to lose weight cause I was too damn pressurized. Ego was at the lowest. Or should I say pride...I don't know....But well, I did something that I never imagine that I am capable of doing. Studies wise, I slipped a lil bit but I managed to pull through for my final year project. And I set off for industrial attachment. Lost like 20 over kilos. Hahaha....no kidding...and I shrunk in both size and height.

Now, I'm glad that I'm almost done with poly. I'm graduating and I'm leaving poly days, without even looking behind....and only bringing with me my qualification and the guy whom I love to the next chapter of my life....

And ....I don't know what to expect...still thinking of my own future...only God decides my fate...

QueenLiyn@23:53

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Dealing with it

Had a very good night's sleep last night. Was very tired after sleeping at 1am for 3 days in a row, dealing with stupid stuffs. Abah woke me up in the morning from my dream encounter with Khairuddin Saharom by throwing Zufi onto my bed. I was like...why you wake me up??? Hahahah......

Still getting used to my short hair. My neck looks longer and I look so kudut. You know, I kinda look like a supermodel now. Hatta will be shock cause my hair is really really short...But well, I want a change. I'm sick of being so plain and dull.

They say, if a girl cuts her hair, it means that she wants a change. A change for the better. I want things to turn for the better. I want to forget my past. I don't want to deal with A.Zul anymore. I hate it when people try to dig out the past. I want to move on with my life. I want to start a new chapter of my life. I want to do well in university. I want to be with Hatta. I want Hatta to be more sensitive and to be a guy who can show how he feels to me. Someone that I can hold on to when I'm falling and someone that I can turn to when I need someone. I want to destroy my egotism and my stubborness. I want to stop dreaming and start being more serious. I'm entering adulthood next year, I just don't want to still have that much immaturity in me.

Luckily I never cut botak. If not, that means I want to start everything from scratch.

LOL....I'm just kiddinglah...

Anyways, work has been great for me. Yesterday morning, I wasn't feeling well. I was running a fever. My mood was rather bad. And I couldn't talk properly cause I have an ulcer at the back of my tongue. Though my mood was rather bad, I still deal with cyanide. My second time analyzing cyanide. It's smelly...but I have fun analyzing it. Other than the analyses, there's nothing much to say....

Well, I'll stop here for now....I'll be updating my photo albums with my short hair photos, also some photos that I took of Zufi and also photos that I took with him.....

QueenLiyn@13:53

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Shortest hair in 10 years

Too lazy and tired to type...so just a short one...

I just cut my hair. It's short. VERY short. And ugly. Maybe not ugly lah. It looks funny on me...

Urghh...it will take a while before my face and my hair suits together...

QueenLiyn@22:31

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ego

Egos are at stake here.....

Who will apologize??

We'll see....

QueenLiyn@23:46

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Fucking mad....

FARK.

More specifically...

FUCK.

I AM SO DAMN MAD!! WHAT THE FUCK!

WHY D HELL MUST PEOPLE TALK BEHIND MY BACK?????

IF U WAN TO TALK, TALK IN FRONT OF ME. LET ME SEE WHAT YOU KNOW!! COS U PEOPLE KNOW NOTHING!!!!!!!!

My life is my life. It's between me and Abang Zul and Obek Ara and Mama. The past remains in the past ok. Both of us are all grown-up and we are each looking for our own life partners. I'm happy that he already planned to marry that girl and I'm happy that I've found someone perfect.

Bibik-bibik...you people don't know anything. I never tell you a single thing that happened between me and Abang Zul. Why the hell do you want to cook things up??? No wonder that girl thinks that Abang Zul is cheating on her. If he's cheating on her with me, means I'm cheating on Hatta. But I'm not. I want to be with Hatta...why must I want to cheat on him???

I love someone else ok. And he loves someone else. The feeling between the both of us, no longer exists. I just don't like it when you people start to open up ur big fat arse and talk nonsense.

The more I think about this farking immature thingy, the more I want to vomit blood. I'm not going to be happy with you all. Mama is very very very very very MAD at you people. First, she's going to kill that girl. Next she's going to chop your heads off.

This means one thing, I won't introduce my boyfriend to any of you people.

Mind your own business.

QueenLiyn@19:46

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huh?

WTF!!!

When I reached home, I saw 2 pending permissions to add me onto their contact lists. At first.... I was wondering...who the hell is Juliana. I never had a friend by the name of Juliana before. And well well, now, I remembered that she's the future Mrs Zulkarnain bin Sa'ad. Of course you know, the next person waiting to add me. It's him, himself.

Urghh...why can't they stay out of my life.... Is it so necessary that I must get to know my future cousin-in-law? I don't want, unless she wants to get to know the girl who used to be so madly-in-love with her future husband. If this is the case of getting to know each other....urm....maybe I should introduce Hatta to A.Zul soon.

Ok...enough of these stuffs. Reached my doorstep at 11pm. Went out with him to Jurong Point for a movie and then dinner. Watched "The Pacifier". Not bad movie. Finally, I got to satisfy my desire to eat Japanese food. Maybe both of us should go out on the weekends, so that we won't be that tired whenever we meet each other....

Only that...tonight...none of my parents know that I was out with him. Cause they know that I've been seeing him a lot...so...last resort for me is to lie....

Today, work was okay. Royston just couldn't stop making me and Chiew Fang laugh....But he isn't serious enough to work. Guys are like that....aiyohh....

Nevermind...a test of my patience.....

*sighs* I'll say goodbye for now....
Haiz...

QueenLiyn@23:39

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Asleep

I'm actually half-asleep right now.

Let's make things short and sweet....

I'm happy that I'm extending my employment till end of May. And what makes me happier is that I saw him after work and went home with him....

*sighs* Gotta sleep now...long day tomorrow...sooo Ciao!

QueenLiyn@23:20

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The truth....

I thought I want to publish this entry in Friendster but well, there's going to be to much publicity so...I guess...I'll shout it all out here....

I'm just trying to express what's been buried inside my heart that I haven't taken out for months or even talked to anyone about it....

Well, here goes.....

Been blog-hopping and everyone's talking about love, relationships, feelings, broken-hearted and anniversaries. Haiz...talk about love...I'm Dr Love. But well, I, myself, have a love psychiatrist. Kekeke...

I've been broken by love time and again. That's cause I never learn from my mistakes. I do not care enough cause I wasn't committed. I do not understand enough to make my relationships stronger...But well, I'm still learning to love.

Yes, in the past, there were the puppy loves. In primary school, I fell for that big-sized and chubby guy by the name of Zulkarnain (not A.zuL). But well, he turned out to be a playboy in secondary school cause he's like a charmer. *pukes* Why do I ever fall for him? And then, not forgetting the memorable Syawal. The handsomest guy in school who actually lose his front teeth while playing at the playground. LOL...tat's so lame! But he's really very good-looking. WOnder how he looks like right now.

Before primary school, I had a childhood sweetheart by the name of Eddie or A.Eddie. He's nice. He cared for me a lot. He still misses me nowadays. He will always asked his mom to call my mom to let him and me meet. The last time we met was like...urm....last 2 years I think.... But well, I was never interested in him. It's nice to know that he still likes me...HAHAHA!

But way before all these guys came into my life, there's one guy, that always stayed there in my heart, no matter how many guys came into my life. I was being "seduced" by him when I was younger. My first kiss from him....and whatsoever, he was the first one to hold my hand and also the first one to bring me around alone. Surprise? Never be surprise cause I loved him for more than 10 years. Physically, he's my dream guy. To me, he has always been perfect even though he did ever cry in front of me.

Well, to think I would marry him eh. But he broke my heart twice. I hated him for that. I suffered from great depression because of him. And I'm glad that after more than a decade of filling him in my heart, I finally drained it all out. I let him go.

Anyways, in secondary school, I fell in love at first sight with Azhar, that big-teethed yellow-minded monster. LOL! I don't know why I ever fall for him. Maybe I'm too blind. But well, I was still young and immature. People thought I would love him forever in secondary school but wahhh...things were never the way it seemed. I never did like anyone else after that. But I secretly fell for someone else and I hated it when other girls wanted to be with him. I didn't breathe a word to anyone cause I know I'm not the type of girl that he likes. I know that he likes one of the girls, so, in a way I lose hope cause I'm nothing compared to her.

I just let everything come and go. None of my friends or him suspect anything except for Sukhairen. She knew it a long long time ago. She said that I'm crazy. Till now, she still says that. But I'm telling the whole truth here cause I want to let it all out. I never thought that he will end up in the same poly as me.

That's when I started thinking. Yes, I was with Z that time but that never stopped me from thinking of H. I just know that I wanted to be with him, only that I was scared to tell him that. Cause I'm not fit to love him or be with him. I just don't know what to feel. You know, it's just that funny feeling came out whenever I see him around school. I feel different. Yes, during the weekly lunches that we had during our first year in poly, we normally ended up alone when Chaili and Yee Chuan couldn't make it. I pretended that I don't want to lunch with him alone but that's what I've been hoping for, to be alone with him.

That hope only came true when I finally told him how I felt. Telling him my true feelings gave me sleepless nights and losing of appetite. That's where I started to lose weight slowly. I really am very nervous whenever it comes to him, then. In time, I feel much better and less doubtful everytime, we become closer.

If you ask me why I love him? I will only say... I love him for who he is...cause I myself can't find the reasons to that...

And now, Hatta, you know the whole truth.....every part of it is true.....

QueenLiyn@00:52

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Cinta tiada batasan

So, work today is okay. Got to know a lot of people around. I mean, I talked to them. A new student came in today. He's my junior in school. Today, I've been rather patient with everyone. Been helping around a lot. Been reminding myself that I've gotta think positive. Just be happy. And if I'm not, then I'll pretend to be happy.

Well, I think Lay Nah and Jing Ping found out something about me from Azman Sawar. Wtf. They found out that I've been playing defender for the Malay guys. Hah...yaa.. Favoritism, they say. Aiyah, I prefer to look at their grinning faces rather than their sullen faces. You might say, it's because of Asli, I play favoritism. Nolah....I just want everyone to be happy when they are working. When everyone's happy, everything will turn out fine....

And really, Asli do look like Hatta. But Asli ain't Hatta. And I only love...emm...H...heh..And yaa...Asli's married. Hahaha!

Oh yaa...something to look forward to this Wednesday. Meeting him and Chaili for a movie and then a dinner. I want to watch "The Pacifier". It should be more entertaining. It's like the first time we are going out together after things between me and him change. But well, the friendship still exists between me and him, so what's wrong with going out with friends or just as friends at times.

what the hell am I talking about...hemmm....

Haiz...I'm actually looking forward to next month's gathering at my house. I'll be meeting all my sisters and my brothers plus-plus Z. Definitely I'll be facing him face to face. Ok, what's in the past will stay in the past. He couldn't give me what I want after more than a decade. Well, that's the way it is. I'm happier with someone else. I don't want to ask for more than that....And I hope Z is happy with the girl of his dreams or whatever she is to him.....

QueenLiyn@21:51

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Bitches...

Banging my head to Slipknot's music right now. Taking out all of the pressure and stress building up inside of me....

Slipknot's music is rather powerful. I mean it's metal core. It's good for people who have a lot of anger bottled up inside themselves. I believe their type of music is best for people who are sad or unhappy. Bang your head. Throw things on the wall. Break glasses. Scream your lungs out. Whatever. I'll gurantee you'll feel better... But it's not suitable for boyband fanatics or emo people.

Like this song, Duality, that I like from their latest CD. It has meaningful lyrics to let people in pain forget their aches. Here's a part of Duality's lyrics...

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

I no longer have that much anger inside me. I'm over with all that stuffs with Z. Someone else makes me happier. I'll always be happy whenever I'm with him, in bad or good mood. He makes me a different person. Don't really know how to describe it...but that feeling.....is soooo unexplainable....

Hmm...just helped him with his realplayer problem on his laptop. It's so damn easy. Took me a few minutes to solve the problem. Haha...the only problem was his internet connection and cause my internet connection is much better than his, I'm able to solve the problem easily. Hope he's happy that he can finally watch videos downloaded from his handphone, on his laptop.

Well, later, I'll be going to a concert to help the tsunami victims, at Suntec City. I'm hoping for the appearance of Taufik Batisah. Hahaha...I want to look at that guy in person. Prove to me that he's ugly. Everyone says that he's ugly. But well, let me take a glimpse of him first, then I'll judge him.

I just don't know what to wear later. All my kebayas need to be re-tailored so that it wouldn't be too big for me. And I don't want to look like an office girl going to a concert. Hah...will decide later....

Just skipped lunch. Had only coffee for breakfast which is totally normal for me. I think I'm fat. Haha.....Mama's heavier than me now. My aim is to be lighter than her. Mama's gaining weight. I'm like the lightest in the family right now! I used to be the lightest in the family, 7 years ago but now, I'm lighter than 7 years before. Hahaha...but still, I have ugly stretchmarks all over my body....URGH....I'm killing myself...but what the heck....I want what I want...

I'll stop bitching now...sooo..Ciao!

QueenLiyn@13:25

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Cleaning

Just finished cleaning up my room. It's spick and span. Shifted everything. Dumped the unnecessary stuffs. Cleaned, wiped and dusted every corner of my room. Changed the covers of my bed and dumped all the tablecloths into the washing machine....

And now...my room is as good as new! Not so tiring cause I'm used to using my physical energy.

Came back home from work in a Mercedes taxi at around 2pm. I don't even need to pay a single cent...Anyways, I finished all the QC analysis within 2 hours. I'm so lucky that nothing failed. Haha....Had Canadian Pizza for lunch, my boss's treat.

And I ate fastfood, 2 days in a row. I wonder how much I've gained...LOL...

Will stop here....feel like playing computer games...soo...Ciao!

QueenLiyn@16:46

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An engineer

Took some quizzes out of boredom....

You Are Independent Sexy.
You drive men crazy with your "playing hard to get act.
"Except, it's really not an act at all.
You're a strong, sexy woman with her own life and interests.
And makes men even more interested in you!
What Kind of Sexy Are You?

You Are a Lace Bra!
Dreamy, romantic, and ultra-feminine.
You're a womanly woman who makes guys feel like men.
Your perfect guy is strong, determined, and handsome.
With a softer side that only you can draw out.
What Kind of Bra Are You?

You are White Chocolate
You have a strong feminine side with a good bit of innocence thrown in.
Whether your girlish ways are an act or not, men like to take care of you.
You are an understated beauty, and your power is often underestimated!
What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

You Are Trinity
"Touch me and that hand will never touch anything again."
What Superheroine Are You?

Ok...enough quizzes...

Hmm...let me see...a review of work today. I broke a beaker into small lil pieces, spilled a 500ml of manganese standard solution and did one whole analysis wrongly. The reason? I also don't know why. Attended the communications meeting today. Heh...it's nice to see the whole company in one room.

Well, today, I satisfy my lust, my temptation and my desire......I had KFC for dinner. Heh Heh...finally I've stopped drooling at the KFC advertisements. After having the very oily chicken wings for dinner, I was feeling rather dizzy because of all that oil and fell asleep on the sofa while watching Smallville. ZZZzzz.......

Urmmm....and I gained weight....LOL...

Been thinking. You see, I never thought that I would grow up to become an engineer. When I'm young, I wanted to become a music teacher or an air stewardess. Later, I changed my ambition when I've found what I love most. I wanted to pursue a career in the medical field. I wanted to become a gynecologist or a forensic pathologist. Until now, I really wish that I've gone to that field earlier when I'm given the choice to choose what diploma course I want to take. It's between science, engineering, IT and medical. I never prioritze medical even though it is my dream career, instead, science became the priority on top of my list. And well, I ended up in engineering. Haha...

You see, I always hated maths. I hated equations. I was always caned by my father when I was in primary school for not knowing how to do a simple division or a simple problem sum. I refused to love maths. I hated algebra cause it gave me headaches and everything. I slacked all the way through secondary school by failing Maths. I fall asleep in Maths classes. I didn't do my homework and sometimes ended up copying my friends' work. I'm not smart in Maths. I was condemned since young because of Maths.

In poly, Maths became priority in my life. I dropped anything that is so damn theoretical or analytical. In poly, unlike others, I prefer complicated or difficult modules and normally scored well for them. I hate theory like hell cause I claimed that my brain don't have any space for theory. I always did badly for my theory papers. I love modules with lots of equations. Modules that can cause headaches. Modules that others hate. But I still love science and chemistry but I never did as well as my maths-based modules.

Everything changed when I scored that A for Maths in first year in poly. That was my ultimate achievement in my whole academic life. I thanked God for everything that He has granted me. My goal in life has been reached. I'm graduating with a diploma in Chemical Engineering and moving on to a degree in Environmental Engineering...

And I still can't believe that I grow up to become an engineer....

QueenLiyn@23:52

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Glad

Well, everyone's glad that I'm back at work. The first person jumping up and down when he saw me, was JJ. "Liyana! My good friend! You are back!", he said...I was laughing so damn loudly. I'm glad that I'm back too but I can't wait to get out of the place also...haha... Caught a lot of the production guys by surprise as I visited them at the manufacturing site. They thought I left without even saying goodbye...Haha...One of them, the prince, actually called me by my name to say "Hi"...but I guess I was too caught up messaging on the phone that I didn't actually care...

Heh heh...

Urm...nothing else to say...I just hope that I don't get the pox...

QueenLiyn@22:11

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Brat

Ya..ya...I know I didn't blog last night. My 3 days of rest, becomes 3 tiring days.

I did have my time with him, in school as well as at the driving range. There wasn't any interruptions or anything and I definitely have fun with him. But then, I don't have enough time for myself. I've planned out my time for these 3 days...but I guess God has other plans for me.

I've been a brat to my parents cause of the way I behaved today and last night. I wasn't happy cause I nearly fainted at the cemetary just now. I wasn't happy cause I slept late last night for no particular reason and had to wake up early this morning. I know I'm being selfish cause my grandaunt just passed away and I have to be at the burial and everything....

But what's the point of taking unpaid leave when I'm going to tire myself out??? My brothers have been slacking at home while I've gotta follow my parents around. Yes, I did have my first experience of bathing a corpse this morning...but I nearly fainted! Instead, I was fighting for air. I couldn't breathe properly, my whole body was so cold and my face was as white as paper. I'm not scared of a dead body...but I don't know why I had to fight for air!

Haiz...I'm so weak today.....and my body is aching everywhere...hah....

The achings were all caused by playing golf with him yesterday. A good workout after staying away from sports for quite some time. A new sport learnt. At least I got the basics. Haha...I laughed at myself when I see myself playing golf cause I never played golf before in my whole life!

ANyways, I'm doing overtime this Saturday. I guess it's much better going back to work on a Saturday rather than slack at home doing nothing or waste money outside. I am happier doing something meaningful rather than things that have no direction at all as I was planning to visit VW showroom this Saturday. Like real that I can afford a VW beetle cabriolet. LOL....

Oklah...that's it for now...

QueenLiyn@17:21

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Can I stop being self-conscious for at least one day?

QueenLiyn@20:48

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Suck

You know, I suck in presentations. My content might gave me an A but my presentation always sucks. I stammered and stumbled on my words. My hands were so cold, my heart was about to explode and I felt like dying in front of the invigilators.

I was damn nervous. The last time I felt this way was last semester, during the first few times when I spent my time with him. Haha...But that was different. This presentation is much more important. Urghh...it's over...can never turn back time.

AFter the presentation, had lunch with him at SIM. Will be meeting him tomorrow to go to the driving range. Sukhairen laughed when I told her that I am playing golf with him tomorrow. OKay...so I don't know how to play and I'd make a fool of myself but I can ask him to teach me what....

Haha....earlier today, when I checked my bank account, I thought I would be financially tight this month. But...phew...I got paid for what I did for the past two days. I rewang at my kakak sedare's majlis so....it's like my upah...heheh...I'm so damn happy right now.... The problem with me when I spend and Mama also noticed that bad part of me....is that I don't spend on food but I spend more on sprees or entertainment. She said that when it comes to food...I'll normally sekat-sekat so that I don't spend much but when it comes to shopping or entertainment...I can spend much much more...

So, she's right. Totally right. I mean...that's just me...Heh...I'm a human after all....

Anyway...check out photos of my trip to Gunung Ledang...and also Shafik's circumsition ceremony last weekend...plus...other miscellaneous photos

QueenLiyn@17:01

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Replacement

I should be in bed right now. Been sleeping pretty late for the past few nights, working OT for my presentation. But instead, here I am doing OT again. I am not free in the day, so most of my work will be done only at night.

Tomorrow, marks the day to determine whether I'll graduate from poly next month. My last ever presentation in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. My heart has been racing since just now, thinking about how I'm going to face the invigilators. Scary.....But hopefully I do well....

Today, I achieved something. Not academically but more towards my capabilities. I rewang at my nephew's circumsition ceremony for 2 whole days and today, I took over Mama's place in the kitchen. And for the first time in my whole life, I cooked nasi minyak in a LARGE scale. Ya...I am proud of myself. Had my training at home with Mama during weekends and I always made silly mistakes and Mama nagged at me dozens of times for the mistakes I'd made. Learnt from my mistakes and I've found part of my capabilities....

I've been thinking....these few months, my life has been good. Allah has been good to me. Alhamdulillah....but I know that life is not always good cause Allah will always give me dozens and dozens of challenges in the near future. Like Ustazah said, the older I get, the more challenges I've gotta overcome.

I know I worked hard, especially academically, to get where I am today. But I wonder...is everything I have now, the ~~replacement~~ rewards of all my loss and sacrifices?

QueenLiyn@23:41

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Messy girl...

The time of the month again. Bad side of me was shown in front of everyone today. Only Mama understands why. Can't blame me, I'm too stressed out. Not emotionally stressed or mentally stressed, but physically stressed.....

Haiz...my bedroom seems to be another stressed environment for me nowadays. It's been months since I sort things out and clean up my desk. It's all in a mess! Now, knowing that I'm moving up to another level of education, I've decided to dump my secondary school stuffs. I want to rearrange everything in my room.

But then, I don't know when I'm going to go about it. I've got a lazy-arse and a messy room. Mama called my room "Sarang tikus"...Not funny okay... I just don't know where else to keep my things anymore....

Hey...I'm messy but I'm definitely not disorganized.......

Haiz....had some discussion with Chaili over the phone. It rather freaked me out when she ended the conversation. I thought she wanted to go out with me alone, to shop and eat and I eagerly said anytime also can. Sekali...she requested for something else. And well, things aren't like secondary school or the first year in poly anymore. Things change and I don't think she wants to be a lamp post. I doubt I'll enjoy cause...urm...things will just be different. To say no, the 3 of us used to be close friends back then, and well, there's no harm going out with an extra person. But then, let's hear from his point of view.

Oklah...ciao for now....

QueenLiyn@00:56

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Sian

Maybe tonight just ain't our night to chat...urghh...sian....

Been working OT for my presentation. I'm rather nervous about standing in front of the whole lecture theatre and presenting using the microphone. I'm scared that I would stammer or even stumble on my words. I have stage fright. I don't like to be the centre of attention.

But I'll definitely try my best to overcome my stage fright this time......

Will be spending lotsa time with my cousins this weekend. 2 days in a row. Don't really like to spend time with this group of cousins cause they are basically minahs and mats. I can say that the mats are rather good looking and I'll often see these Abangs on TV or even when I come back from school, back then in secondary school. I don't even like to talk to them......

I just can't wait for next week....heh heh....

Now...I'm really feeling sian.........

QueenLiyn@00:37

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