ignorance.is.a.feminine.virtue

What's love?

Aww...I got upclose and personal with the prince...of Atotech. He's so damn cute and I was so damn blur. AIyah....like I care...Hahaahahah...at least he doesn't move 2 steps away when I stood close beside him.... It's just work...

Today is the women in black day. I wore black. Steph wore black. Jing Ping wore black. And Lay Nah also wore black. Only Patrick was wearing a maroon polo shirt...

Feel much much better today. I guess my silence actually works. For myself. I feel lighter today cause...

I got my 3rd pay...*jumps up and down...*
I'm enrolling in University tomorrow...*smiles*
I'm going to get one of the latest digital camera on Thursday..*jumps up and down*
I'm going for a holiday during Chinese New Year next week...*grins*
This week is going to be my last week of no freedom...*wooo hooo*

I'm crazy...hahaha... So this is how I light I feel now. Floating..... Dreaming....but I was cursing the whole day...that's because of me making mistakes over and over again in my dreamy state...Hahahaha...I think my supervisors heard me mumbling Fark over and over again...Hahahaha!!!

Geez...I want to talk to him again. It's like not enough cause usually we would talk for hours but these days...it lasted an hour or so only. Macam...how to say...tak puas....lepas tu...rasa macam tak bebual gitu....then before I know it I miss him again....

Haiz...okiez...today I feel so fat. My mom scolded me when I told her that I'll not be eating dinner. Told her that I'm fat. She said..."Siapa bilang awak? Siapa? Siapa?" Well, it's just my guilty conscience talking here. I've been eating junk food. Actually, not in big amounts. But because I could taste the oil of that peanuts...made me go crazy that I think I don't want to eat for the rest of the day.

Anyways....I found this in Friendster....something to think and ponder about if you still don't know how to contrast between love, like and lust....

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest??
-It isn't love, it's LIKE.

You can't keep your eyes or hands off of her/him
- It isn't love, it's LUST.

Are you proud, and eager to show her/him off??
- It isn't love, it's LUCK.

Do you want her because you know she's/he's there??
- It isn't love, it's LONELINESS.

Are you with her/him because it's what everyone wants??
- It isn't love, it?s LOYALTY.

Are you with her because she/he kissed you, or held your hand?
- It isn't love, it's LOW CONFIDENCE.

Do you stay for her/him confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt her/him?
- It isn't love, it's PITY.

Do you belong to her/him because the sight of her/him makes your heart skip a beat??
- It isn't love, it's INFATUATION.

Do you pardon her faults because you care about her/him?
- It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP.

Do you tell her/him every day she is the only one you think of?
- It isn't love, it's a LIE.

Are you willing to give up all of your favorite things for her sake?
- It isn't love, it's CHARITY.

It is LOVE when.....
- Your heart aches and break when he/she is sad...
- You cry for her/his pain, even when she's/he's strong....
- His/ her eyes see your true heart, and touched your soul so deeply that it hurts...
- You stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you to her/him.....
- You accept her/his faults because it's a part of who she/he is...
- You are attracted to others, but stay with her/him faithfully without regret....
- You give her/him your heart, your life, your death....

Touche...

QueenLiyn@19:44

------------------------------------------------------------

Raking up the past....

Can't believe that tomorrow is already Monday...

Today, I'm stranded at home again. Actually, I'm always stranded at home on Sundays, with nothing to do.

So, I was doing some ironing just now. Took me like almost 2 hours to finish all of it. While I was ironing, I was drifting away. I was thinking. Well...erm...not thinking of him. I'm thinking back at my past.

My thoughts drifted all the way back when I was just a little girl. You see, last time, I spend most of my childhood at my grandfather's house at St. Georges. I grew up with...ehem...A. Zul there. It was always all about me and him then. We were always the centre of attention. A. Zul and me were best friends. We did everything together.

I remembered once. We squeezed together in a sofa and we were shaking our legs in momentum...I still remember every bit of it. Then, Tok will sit in front of us and scold us. He said that if we keep shaking our legs like that, one day we will walk like spastic people.

And there was this room in that house. That room was filled with tons of memories. I still remember that there was once when my aunt was lying in a pool of her own urine on the carpet. Hahaha...don't want to name her. And my childhood memories are there. You see, whenever there's love, there's always an extra. There's someone who came between me and A.Zul. Her name is Nur'Aini or we call her Noi.

She's our cousin. Same age as me. Realize something, I never talk about her before in this blog? Yeah, cause our relationship ended years ago when she totally became my rival. She doesn't belong in my sistas club. Neither does she belong here in my family. She was my love rival and also my life rival. And guuuesss what? Abang Zul loved her. He loved her until he pushed me away. Well, I didn't hate him. I hated her.

In that room, me, him, her and my bro always play pengantin. We would make an imaginary pelamin and we would sit beside each other and pretended to get married. Ya...and well, who doesn't want to sit beside the person that you love...especially on the pelamin...RIGHT?? And well, he didn't want to "marry" me. Sooo...still being a child, my jealousy could be controlled. I gave him to her. And I just disappear.

But he came looking for me. I knew then, that he would be looking for me. But who cares right?
And there were those times when we also pretended to be mummy and daddy. We would sit at the bunk bed. And pretended to cook, go shopping, go to work...blah blah blah...and our son is my brother. Hahaha...that was the only thing I enjoyed with him especially, when there's no Girl Girl.

Yeah, she's named after that stupid nickname. She's my love rival cause she snatched away A. Zul from me. She's my life rival cause she wanted and still wants to compete with me in life. I still remember the last time I went to her house. Her mother was bragging about her, saying that she had tons of guys chasing after her. I was like..."So what?!" I know I'm neither pretty or beautiful. I especially don't like to be chased. She also wants to compete with me academically...

And well well...I won. I won every competition with her. I won academically. And I won because I won his heart. Though it didn't work, but still, I won. I can imagine her now, with kids running around her. Maybe she's married. She's a school drop-out..that's what I heard. And she's the girl that A.Zul used to spite me, the first time.

You know, I didn't talk to A.Zul for a long time until when I was in secondary four. That year was when Tok passed away. We sat alone in Tok's room and we talked. We relived back the old days. And know what, he called me fat and ugly and compared me with that girl. Well, at 16 years of age...whose not angry right? So, I walked away in a huff. Damn him.

The next day, we were okay. We sat together we our aunts in Tok's room and looked at old photographs. We found many photos of us together. I want that special one. I saw it first. And I wanted to take it. It's a photo of me and him on a real pelamin. But I was too late when he said that he wanted that. He took all the photos of us. Yaa...and the only photo of us I have, is when I was only 9 months old.

Back then, when I was 16 years old, I still had feelings for him. It was already buried deep inside my heart but at the same time, I was falling for someone else. I had mixed feelings. But well, A.Zul was the nearest to me and the only guy who know me well. So, I chose him.

I thought I chose the right choice. At 17 years of age, I said the 3 golden words to him. Yeah... and he asked me. I still remember the date and the place. It was at Bibik Ita's house. I was sitting down watching my sistas using the comp when he came into the room and lie down beside me. Guess how I felt??? Hahahaha...I wish Syahirah knows back then cause she wish that me and him are together now. I was damn nervous. Couldn't stand it anymore, I went outside. That was went he asked me, in front of everyone else. My mom was furious. And I was speechless.

I neither said a "yes" nor a "no". I was half-hearted. Don't know how to feel and I was just plain speechless. People said that I should have said a "yes", if I love him that much. But I didn't cause you know why...I've fallen for someone else. But still I continue loving A.Zul cause I know then, that I had no hope to be with that someone else....

At 18 years of age....we were still ok. Communicated via sms and messaging. Not much. Just once in a while.

At 19 years of age...all hell breaks lose...between me and him....and it's his fault....

At 20...I spited him back...heh heh...for him to taste his own medicine.......

And well..well..now I love that someone else. Funny how the matters of the heart are being handled....

QueenLiyn@23:50

------------------------------------------------------------

Dunno...

Wahaha...it's very late...and my day has just started...

Busy...very busy...and tired...very tired...

Sian....

But my brothers just keep me entertained. Their jokes and their lameness...At least I'm myself at home....

Well....I don't know what to blog...

Been chatting a lot with my cousins nowadays. Me and Syahirah are always having the girl talk and just now, she called me old when she found out that I'm turning two decades. Whereas Ghafar opened up to me last night. It's nice to chat with him. I doubt he knows nothing about me and his elder brother.Well, what can I say. I find pleasure talking to the younger ones. Giving advice and lending a listening ear.

*sighs*

*open-mouthed*

*speechless*

Oh fark...I don't know what to feel now...

Ler......

QueenLiyn@12:38

------------------------------------------------------------

pleezzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

It's late. And I'm blogging again.

Can't get to sleep. Am sooooo bored.

Now, chatting with Ghafar, who also can't get to sleep.... Talking to him is like talking to a guy of my age, only that he's not. Hahahah.... At least, he's much much much mature than my youngest brother who still watches cartoon and play toy cars.

Blog-hopped. My sisters lead interesting lives. One is lust-sick for an older man. Wooo.... Whereas the other one likes 2 guys, a Chinese and a Malay.

Well...I am praying hard to go back to studying again after graduation. I want to go to NTU. I want to live my youth with friends encircling me and being with him without any restrictions or time constraints. I'm not ready to work. Or should I say, I don't want to work. I love to study. Though exams can be sick at times but the sense of achievement is always great...

By the way, I'm enrolling into U soon. Next week, I guess...I just hope for the best. Always... Please...please please....

Oh God...please answer my prayers...

QueenLiyn@01:18

------------------------------------------------------------

Crazy Girl....

TGIF!!!! (Thank God it's Friday, in case you don't know....)

I wish everyday is a Friday so that I will look forward to tomorrow everyday.

Before I know it, the 13th week of my attachment has passed. 8 more weeks to go...Actually going to work isn't that bad. The fact that I always go to the production area and erm....do something...makes my day exciting everyday. Hahaha! Sometimes, I do make fun of the production guys when they come into the lab. Especially, when they have problems with their sample. One guy, that I laughed at before was, Asli. He asked me to shut up. Hahahahaha! And I do practise my Malay when I talk to them. No kidding...I speak Malay.... And there's Lay Nah and Jing Ping, my supervisors. SOmetimes, they just make me laugh at the way they talk or when they make mistakes! Nowadays, I work more WITH my supervisors, instead of work FOR my supervisors.

So today, wasn't really tiring. Had an out-of-work conversation with Jing Ping. We were talking about Amore Fitness. She's a member of that club and I'm also going to be a member there soon. Hah...the production supervisor was very funny today. I was at the production area, sending a sample to Alias when this supervisor, sitting in a forklift, smiling and said to me, "Hey...you are a very quiet and shy girl..." I was like..laughing my head off..

So, I was quiet. I've been quiet most of the time at work. I talk only to ask about things and inform things. If not, I keep my trap shut. But I'm no shy girl. If I'm shy...I won't even enter the all-guys production area... I'm not shy okay...I'm just ANTI-social...

Oh..

Know what?

I miss him....I miss him....I miss him....I miss him....

Fuuh...venting out how I've been feeling....

But don't want to disturb him...

Cheez! :D

QueenLiyn@19:24

------------------------------------------------------------

Vain Pot...

Decided to take out the music here cause it's just...erm...irritating...

So, my day was rather busy. Finished one whole lab instruction manual. What's amazing about me is that, I can do 3 to 4 things at one time. My supervisor, Jing Ping, asked me what I'm doing. I said I am doing a lot of things at one time. I was titrating Molex samples which took me the whole day, running the CVS machine which really can make me go ga-ga at times, checking the densities for the Gravity Cells and also analyzing a QC sample.

I can't do one thing at one time. I'm impatient....hahaha....don't knowlah..I'm used to multi-tasking...

My day is lightened up by the presence of Sukhairen. I saw her at the MRT station...and called out to her. She accompanied me to buy things that my mom asked me to buy. We chatted like old times. It's nice to see and chat with her again, in person.

Anyway, I think I've gone far enough to losing weight though I'll still continue to lose more. Contradicting huh... My aunts and uncles have been wondering why I suddenly become so damn thin. Even my sling bag now feels so BIG on me and my mom said that it's not the bag, it's me whose getting smaller. Haha....I do eat okiez...but I skip dinners and breakfasts. I rarely eat rice or anything carbo. But the funny thing is that, when I'm really really really really hungry, woah....I eat like a glutton. Hahahah.....!!!!

Now, I only need to tone up and focus more on my skin.

I'm so vain...I just don't know why...

Well, just some little advice for him. I know you would be reading this. Because I've not been messaging you or chatting with you nowadays, I just want to remind you to study for your common test...don't get too caught up with the tournament. And don't procrastinate till the last minute...OKiezz?? Hehe...do I sound naggy???

LOL...

Ciao for now....

QueenLiyn@23:50

------------------------------------------------------------

Complicated

Another quiet day for me. Just don't want to talk.

The only 2 persons I talk to outside the house are Sukhairen and Syahirah. I don't want to disturb him...he should be revising for his common test now.

Woke up in the morning with a very bad migraine. Ade orang tu pandai sangat, kejut aku pukul 5 pagi... Alasan dia...salah picit...siapa tak geram. Aku pulak terperanjat bangun dari tidur. Apa lagi...migraine aku datang balik. Fark lah...

In the morning, I complained to my father while he was getting ready to work. His advice to me was that, " Liyana, pagi-pagi jangan marah-marah. Tak bagus. Fikir dulu. Jangan marah...."

Haiz...soo I realized that guys or should I say men, can control their emotions. Like my father. Yes, he do get mad. He do have his "pms" times. But most of the times, even when people like me provoke him...he's cool... And I took his advice. I just kept quiet.

My mom was scolding me just now, I just couldn't say anything else. I wasn't in the wrong, but I just got no mood to say that it's not my fault.

If you people know me that well, you know I'm not quiet. I talk a lot. But if you see me quiet, with a forced smile on my face, you know something's wrong. Though this part of me is very hard to see or come by, this is my way to release my anger. Silently.

Just don't talk to me when I'm in this mood cause you won't like the words that I'm going to spit out of my mouth. They will sting like hell.

It's better than me bursting. I let the steam go away very slowly.....don't know how long it will last. Maybe till people start wondering what's wrong with me...

The good thing about my quietness is that my ego is at my lowest. Ask my brothers. You'll be shock to know that I become soft and kind-hearted.

Well, you see...I'm a very complicated kinda girl...

Just realized something. I'm so kerempeng...

QueenLiyn@23:47

------------------------------------------------------------

Bestfriends...

So, well, well....just got off the phone with Sukhairen...

Chatted for about an hour and a half.

Reliving our secondary school days.

Laughing our way through...

The fact that Sukhairen made fun of me, last time, when I was crazy about the Spice Girls and Britney Spears. She kept mimicking me....And she said that I'm still a minah..like always.

Both of us miss our secondary school days...

Our centre of attention is actually on the guys. U-know-who...her wolverine...and my Taufik Batisah...LOL....

OK...shut up...

I guess talking to my bestfriend lights up my day. It's been a long time since we chatted.

By the way...I'm losing my voice....hope I lose it...so that I've got an excuse not to talk.....

QueenLiyn@23:30

------------------------------------------------------------

Ler...

I'm sooooo tired. Pooped. Bumped Out. Exhausted.

Whatever you call it.

Not feeling well. Just got the moods. Very bad ones...

Stressed....cause I've got too much work to do both at home and at work

Guilty...of eating too much...cause I'm too stressed...

So, tomorrow's lunch will be strictly banana nut crunch cereal with HL milk, plus an apple.

Geezz...this sucks...

QueenLiyn@00:11

------------------------------------------------------------

From Dreams to Reality...

Wasn't able to sleep well last night.

Dreaming all night through. Slept around 12.30am and woke up from my dream around 1am when I heard my handphone rang.

The dream took place at the same place. The house. That same house, only a different plot. I've dreamt about that house for 4 times! This time, I had some difficulties. I couldn't afford to buy anything, not even my favourite crackers! I couldn't even see the people around me. And I couldn't even fulfill that something. Don't know lah what the hell...

THank God..my phone rang cause I've had enough of that dream.

To prevent me from dreaming again. I went online for a while to look around. When I got bored...I went to sleep again. And I dreamt again...

This time, I'm back to my secondary school days. Had fun with my friends. You see, in reality, I love to go to the toilet to check my reflection. And in that dream, I behaved the same way. But what I saw disappoint me. I had long hair and my hair was tied up in a pony tail. I actually looked like when I was in sec 3. My face was oily and full of zits. Oh damn...I was disgusted with myself in the mirror.

I tried to give myself a little makeover in that dream. Put down my hair. Washed my face and everything. By the time I went out of the toilet, I felt better about myself. OUtside the toilet, I bumped into him....hehe...yaa...he was there...I mean in my dream. He looked like the same guy I know back in secondary school. That boyish look. Not like now. He wanted to talk to me. So we talked, but I couldn't remember what we talked about...

The only thing I remembered was that when I woke up from that dream, it was already morning...

Ok...so enough of dreams.... let's come back to reality...

I'm so bored sitting at home....maybe tomorrow...it's time to hit the mall...ohh forgot...tomorrow's the 7th day of the death anniversary of Tok Hassan...... Haiz..so I guess tomorrow...I'll just chill out with my cuz...

It's time to change my template. Looking for a very proper and nice one....stay tuned...heh heh!

QueenLiyn@14:46

------------------------------------------------------------

Geeezz.....

Let me think how to start today's entry...hmmm...

Like the song? Hee...though it's not the genre I always listen...but diarys should have some touch of love and affection in it especially from music... I can't possibly play something head-banging here right??

Jiwang eh? Hehe...

Today, the house was lighted up a little bit when Bibik Nana and family came to visit us. We watch "I know what you did last raya" on VCD and we laughed our heads off! Bibik Nana was full of crap. She said that she saw him walking me home. Though she got some facts right. But I didn't believe her. And again I became the centre of attention. But well, I've got no mood to talk.

Orang datang raya, pakai baju kurung. Aku pulak pakai baju sporty. Black top and black pants. But I think I look nice...only a little shorter...heh heh....They said that I look much shorter...Hah Hah!

I feel so sad. I wonder whether she treats me as her friend or not. No wonder her reaction was different when I talked about H for the past few weeks. She also no longer talks about, you-know-who. And I don't even know anything for the past few weeks. I didn't even suspect anything cause I was too engrossed with mine. Until last night.... First reaction, SHOCKED. Second reaction, DIGGING for INFO. Third reaction, HURT. I feel like I'm the punching bag. She hurt me in a way cause of her stupid behavior. She should at least tell me, then, I would understand the way she behaves, especially at work.

Maybe I can cheer her up a little. Or console her. Cause that's what friends are for...

I'll deal with this on Monday. I don't like to do this. But I've gotta do it...

GUESS WHAT? I just booked 2 rooms at The Legend Resort in Cherating, Pahang. YaY! Will be resting and relaxing there during Chinese New Year. As it's just by the ocean, can enjoy the ocean breeze. Hopefully, there's no tsunami or anything like that. *laughs* This time, I can make full use of the facilities there cause there'll be no such thing as shopping malls. Being a 5-star resort, there's a lot of things to do there...like...water sports! I luuuurve water sports!!! Abah said that I'm crazy to do scuba-diving. Haha....I love to have some adventure. It's fun to be in the water.

Why am I so excited??? Geezz...I'm like a kid now...

Talking about being a kid. I've got my last month to enjoy being 19 years old. *fakes crying* I'm going to be older sooooon.....

OKok....it's been like 2 days only and I already miss him? Maybe I didn't spend enough time with him. I'm going to miss him more for the next...hmm...let me see...THREE WEEKS??? Grrr....I want Chinese New Year to come and go...so I would be freeeee....hehe

*sighs*

I'll stop here for today...Sayonara peeps...

QueenLiyn@22:17

------------------------------------------------------------

Boring...

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha to all of my Muslim friends.

I am not in a festive mood today. I was stuck to the TV screen for almost the whole day. I was bored. Very bored. A little restless also cause I know everyone's enjoying except for me.... Syahirah's so lucky that she's at the Zul brothers' house. But she messaged me telling me that she was very bored the whole time she was there....

Actually, aside from my boredom, I did feel a little bit better when he messaged. Who's not? Haha.... WHile I was busy messaging Syahirah...I thought who messaged...and woah...am glad that he messaged...

Well, a year ago, Hari Raya Haji turned out to be my worst nightmare. Don't ask me what happened.... There was death on that day. The death of love...

Ok....don't want to talk about the past...

No more ska for me. No more pop for me. No more R&B for me. Here comes Metallica. Here comes Deftones. Never judge the way I look with the music I listen cause it's not me to follow trends or to follow music fashion. My clothes might look girly or sporty or whatever it is but Britney Spears has been erased from my music taste. Sugababes is long gone. Boybands are definitely out of my league....blah blah blah....

Now, I can only imagine myself playing the electric guitar alongside with my bestfriend as I listen to bands like Sum 41 or Good Charlotte. Haha...fat hope...I love to dream..I mean day-dream. So....that's one of my fantasies...

Why would people say I look nice when I've got dark rings around my eyes...my un-manicured fingernails...wrinkles forming on my face..but...the zits are almost gone...ruffled hair....blah blah...
Cause when I look at myself in the mirror, I think I just look the same like a year ago. Despite being 10kg heavier a year ago, I still think I look the same now. Or is it my haircut? People said I look nicer with shorter hair. Or is it the way I dress? Hah...At least I don't indulge in beauty products anymore....

Ohh god...it's over again??? And you didn't even tell me??? No wonder you've been sucking my blood!!!

Oklah...enough of blogging....I need my beauty sleep now...heh heh...

QueenLiyn@23:53

------------------------------------------------------------

Cute!

Half day today. Went back to school to take the NAPFA test. I was just plain lazy. Did everything lazily....My stomach abs and my butt really hurts now... It's no surprise that I failed!

Well, my time with him wasn't peaceful today. So sad. It's been weeks since I see him and when I get to see him...another thing came up...Haiz...SIAN! Didn't tell my parents that I went back with him so, I can't blame them for destructing my peace.

Just came back from kenduri. Well, I was falling asleep when they were doing the tahlil. I really did sleep on my mom's lap for a while. So there were the usual people, except this time, Juni's not around. Hairie told me about Mikhail being promiscuous...but I just....say..."Of courselah! He's handsome.." Then for the first time, I sat in the room with my kakak sedare-s. Chatted with them. 3 of them talked like as if I've got more than a pair of ears. Hahaha! And there was Nazri. My youngessst cousin. I didn't call him. He just came to me smiled at me and sat on my lap. SHowed him photos that I took of him. Cute photos. He kissed my handphone which has his photo in it. Put his arm around my neck, hugged me and gave me a sloppy kiss on my cheek. Wahaha! I did kiss him back...don't know how many timeslah...Hahaha... He's so chubby. Like a walking teddy bear!! He looks like the younger version of Hussin...only cuter! LOL...

This is how cute Nazri looks...

Finally told my mom about Najib. She said that he's very curious about who I am. I told her that I think he doubts that I'm his cousin. Anyway, I shook him off my back very easily. I never know that my words can describe my disinterest....

This reminds me. I should have use words to shake S off my back earlier, instead of keeping quiet. Well, I finally shook him off last semester when he came to find out that I love someone else. I know that he had his eyes on me for...hmmm....how long ar...since year 1? His presence made me so damn uncomfortable last time in lectures, especially when he sat behind me... THank God...he wasn't in my class for that long. I rejected him silently. It's obvious on how I did it. I saw him coming my way...I'll change my path...Blah blah...

Nothing more to say.....

QueenLiyn@23:58

------------------------------------------------------------

Is it?

I'm blushing right now. Really blushing. Hahaha...I don't know what to say. Juni help me!!! Oh too bad...I doubt you will come online and read this anytime soon. Your Abang Najib wants my number!!!!!! I know it will turn out this way. Why the hell he wants my number???

Haha...now I'm laughing my head off...well..I've got that special someone, so why do I care... Only that special someone hasn't been by my side for a few weeks. The thing is that I've always been making the first move. I don't feel good about making the first move all the time but it's an advantage to me cause somehow...I'm assuring myself that everything's ok. If the both of us do nothing...where will our relationship go??

I bet he has a lot of things to tell me but well, he didn't. His life cannot be as boring as mine. Be a little bit proactive. I want to be the follower now...are u able to lead?

Or is that too much to ask?

QueenLiyn@21:42

------------------------------------------------------------

Hectic Day...

Finally I've got some time to blog...

What a hectic day. Woke up very early in the morning to go melawat again. This time, I couldn't swallow back my tears. I cried. I was rooted to the spot and cried. My parents didn't see me crying. I doubt anyone saw me cause I was hidden among the others. By the time my parents came looking for me, I was outside hanging out with Juni and Ijah.

My heart softened for a while but after that, I was back to normal.

Well, just now I was reading some articles at ivillage.com. I realize that a lot of things seem to be so true. I read both a lady and a guy's point of view about making the first move. Contradiction. Irony. Funny.

Ok...nevermind.

I'm making someone rather curious about who I am. He's no stranger. Surprisingly, he's my cousin. Hah! Well, we have never talk before and I guess he doesn't know that I existed even when we have met a lot of times. His mom always talk to me about him, so I'm just making friends with my own cousin. The fact that Juni used to have a BIG crush on him and Hussin is studying in the same poly and also Aishah Ibrahim plus Jonathan turn out to be his classmates make it more fun to know this guy. Hah! He's so damn curious that he's been messaging me in Friendster. I told him that I know him and have seen him around but then, he doesn't know me cause I don't socialize. Actually I've found him in Friendster for a very very long time but I was too lazy to say, "Hi...I'm your cousin...nice to meet you.."

So, I'm going back to school on Thursday afternoon to have lunch there and to take the NAPFA test. No worries. No pressure. For the first time, I'm not scared of failure. Hahaha!

Just wondering what time he'll be off on Thursday...

QueenLiyn@23:57

------------------------------------------------------------

Merapatkan Tali Perhubungan....

Just came back from melawat...

I held back my tears though time again tears kept welling up in my eyes. Swallowed them actually. I couldn't cry in front of many people. Maybe I would tomorrow....

Couldn't stand the sadness in the whole house, with people crying...so I finally got out of the house when Juni's mom said that Juni was outside. We talked and looked at each other's handphones, especially the photos. Found out how minah she looks without the tudung. That time, both of us look like "makciks" with our tudungs on. Once we open our tudungs...we look more like minahs... Hahaha....

No wonder someone likes her. She so jambu now. With her curls and her cutey smile...hahaha... She could have found her prince charming now if he isn't attached. But too bad.... Juni...slim down somemorelah....who knows..you will find that perfect one in poly...

Saw a photo of her and one of her guyfriends. My first impression was that that guy is her boyfriend cause they were like almost huggin each other. Was rather shocked to know that he's just a friend. I was like....u are just friends and u r already hugging each other....I can't imagine if u become more than friends....

She commented that I am boring or to be exact.."me and him" are boring... What do you expect?? I said something rather drastic that I wouldn't want to mention here...Ok...maybe we are boring...but we are taking a few steps at a time, right H?

And Lina, Juni's sis, has a boyfriend. At the age of 13 years, she already has a boyfriend. Kinda minah right?? Hahaha...nolah...Lina is very sweet-looking actually... She was excited when she saw me and shouted.."Kakak!!".... I squeezed her chubby cheeks and said..."Ohhh...you go and see Taufik is it??? Tak bilang eh..."

Hahaha...everyone's growing up....how time flies...

See....these type of gatherings merapatkan silaturahim di antara satu sama lain. Even I talked to Juni's brother, Hussin, just now. I kept saying..."Ohhh...orang tu dah tinggi eh...dah tinggi daripada aku seh..." And know what...he called me makcik...

Why the hell do I look like a makcik when I wear a tudung??? I look old???? My brothers called me makcik. My uncle, worst still, call me nenek. And H...he too called me a makcik....

Hahaha...And I always thought that I looked better and neater with a tudung on...

QueenLiyn@23:45

------------------------------------------------------------

Hallucination or Real?

So I'm back home now...

On urgent and compassionate leave...My grand-dad passed away or should I say grand-uncle.... On leave for 1.5 days...

Know what...am I hallucinating or is it real? I saw something. Even though I saw an outline...but I just couldn't take my mind off what I saw. No...it's nothing scary. It's something that can make me very very very very PARANOID....

QueenLiyn@16:25

------------------------------------------------------------

Migraine....

Stupid brother...he's the cause of the migraine I'm having now...

Damn! I've got this long nerve at the back of my neck. It cannot be touched. It's very sensitive. Once touched, it would cause an excruciating pain at the back of my neck and then cause a bad migraine... That youngest brother of mine has been doing that to me. His stupid baby fingers squeezed that nerve...

He squeezed that sensitive nerve at the back of my neck. And dammit! I nearly collapsed just now while doing my chores. I hate it when I have migraine. I won't be able to stand noise..not even when a pin drop.... My head will spin...and I'll knock everything that comes in my way. I cannot be provoked...cause I won't layan anyone.... All I need is sleep....

I guess I have to lullaby myself to sleep now to get rid of the migraine....

QueenLiyn@12:05

------------------------------------------------------------

How to make me smile again...

Started the day having a very very very lousy mood. Nak katakan PMS....belum lagi...nak katakan bangun tidur salah bantal....tak jugak...

I don't knowlah. I was rather frustrated about something. My face was rather red. Not blushing. Fuming. I wasn't able to talk to anyone else....except for Syahirah...

My anger ceased when I watched one movie, "Bride and Prejudice". I won't deny that I cried. That show's sooo love-ly...and romantic...Hahaha! That movie reminded me of how I used to be full of warmth and love. I was so cheerful everyday. Smiling. And just happy...

But what happened to me? I'm just unhappy about something until I resolve what has been bothering me. Until I do something about it and not just sitting there and bottling everything up.

How should I do it???????

QueenLiyn@20:04

------------------------------------------------------------

Still thinking....

It's only 2133hrs and I'm already half-asleeped....

Still thinking about the decision I've made for Dinner and Dance (DnD). I wonder whether I'll miss out a lot. But I also wonder whether it is worth it. I don't want to see certain people there. And I definitely don't want to go alone. I doubt Steph will be going. If Steph's going, she'll be going with her dearest boyfriend. And me? Hah...I don't know whether to ask him or not...cause I'm still thinking...I might change my mind about my decision...

Last year, I was rather enthusiastic to attend the DnD and I even decide on who to go with. But this year, hmmm....I just don't think it's necessary anymore. This is different from the graduation night back in secondary school.

Grad night was rather...interesting as I was with my closest friends and me and Sukhairen even went shopping for our clothes. That night I looked rather neat. Well, that graduation night was when I realized a lot of things. I was scared to lose that somebody. But I just kept quiet. It wasn't worth telling or even saying it out then.

Dinner and dance...what would I miss?

QueenLiyn@21:48

------------------------------------------------------------

I say 'No' to DND

Actually, I've got dozens of things to write here only that I'm just too lazy to write them down.

Currently, on my shopping list are Gwen Stefani's CD and Ashlee Simpson's CD. THeir songs are damn nice! Every month when I get my pay, I'll buy 2 music CDs. Last month, I bought Sum 41 and Simple Plan CDs. This month, I bought Green Day and Good Charlotte CDs...so next month, I'm buying Gwen's and Ashlee's CDs.

Sorry guys, the DND tickets aren't on my shopping list right now. I guess it isn't necessary to go for that event. It's just a waste of money. 60 bucks already will cost me a quarter of my salary which doesn't include the costs of my costume and my transportation fees. So, I guess you all will only see me during graduation day. I would rather spend that 60 bucks to trim my hair shorter and to treat Gary, Jun Ming and Stephanie plus him....

Talking about graduation, I'm left with a few months before I officially get out of polytechnic. I've only planned out my life, I mean my future. Only God will decide my fate. I know life ain't gonna be easy. I've decided to work full-time and take my degree part-time. I guess earning money is more important at this stage rather than studying. Who knows right, if I get the 5C's? Hahahah....

Studying while working will keep me occupied. Too occupied till I won't get to think of anything else. I mean, he will be serving NS next year what...I can't afford to miss him like crazy right? LOL...

Haiz...at this stage of life, friendships are rocking. I mean...it's hard to maintain a good friendship. A good and healthy friendship. My mentality changes through time. H said that he pity that person whom I treat rather badly. But I guess, if he's in my position, he'll understand why. If he's there looking at the situation, experiencing that situation, I think he'll react the same way as me. Maybe I'm too demanding, I don't know. I've changed through the years. People change...and people expect things to be much better than before.

I'm talking in circles...but I think he understands what I mean...

Oklah...I ciao for now...

QueenLiyn@11:33

------------------------------------------------------------

Blank...

Hah...what to blog huh???

My mind's so blank....

QueenLiyn@22:57

------------------------------------------------------------

NAPFA

Finally, I've got the time to blog...

Last night, I quarrelled with my pop. Didn't even speak a word to him. I know I was rather rude....he was very mad....but tonight we are back to normal...

The only person I chatted last night was Ghafar. Hah....sejak bila dia jadi Syahirah punya messenger pun tak tau...Talking to him was like talking to the brother, only that he's less mature. The good thing was that it was less serious....

Don't know what else to blog...Damn....must take NAPFA test next week...My stamina is at its lowest level. Don't think I can run or jump. Wah sey...fail nevermind. Like I care...I'm so physically unfit. I'll just make a fool of myself there...

LOL....I've yet to start my workout classes...what do you expect? At least my legs now are stronger...but I only lack of stamina...

Now, my shoulders ache like hell. All those work really make my shoulders so damn hard. I haven't been eating dinner for the past 3 nights and woke up in the morning with a grumbling stomach. I'm feeling weak. I need foood but I just refused to eat them...

Ohhhhh...what's happening to me....

QueenLiyn@23:41

------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing

I'm just here...

Nothing more to say...

QueenLiyn@22:50

------------------------------------------------------------

Bold...

Still suffering from my last night's boldness...or should I say...my boldness in the early morning....

I'm so callous.

But I meant it...

Though I sound like I'm acting cute...

But I was serious when I typed it out...

And it wasn't for testing...

It's for expressing...

You should know better...

QueenLiyn@21:59

------------------------------------------------------------

F**k myself...

Oh God...how do I say 'No' to myself? Oh God...what has happen to me? Oh God...please help me....

I'm refusing myself. I'm unhappy with myself. I'm angry with myself. Must I make the same mistake over and over again. I mustn't let the mistake happen again. I musn't, I musn't, I musn't....

This is serious...very serious....

How can I be this bored? I know I shouldn't, I couldn't and I musn't....

Fark myself...

I could hear my heart(A) and my mind(B) conversing with each other....

A: Ler....asal pulak dengan budak ni??
B: Adalah...dia buat something salahlah...
A: Guilty conscience lah ni...
B: Biasalah...in the end, salahkan diri sendiri...tapi buat lagi...
A: Alamak...tak abis-abislah...ape die buat sekarang?
B: Adelah...sampai dia nak nangis...tak serik-serik budak ni...
A: Macam mane nak ajar die punye lesson? Jadi die tak AKAN buat lagi...
B: Senang aje...patahkan hati die...lepas tu...die serik selama-lamanye...
A: Macam betul aje...Nanti die ader heart attack...hancurlah aku...Budak ni nak kene ajar betul-betul...sekarang die dah sedar ape...tengok aje ape yang die nak buat...
B: Ok...let's see.......how smart this girl can be...

Grr....what should I do??????? Too much space is not good for me....too much air to breathe will just suffocate me...so what can I do??

QueenLiyn@21:27

------------------------------------------------------------

Light-hearted

I feel much much better now. Thanks Ghafar for granting my favour to pass the message to your brother. That means a lot to me. I got all the courage to actually approach Ghafar last Friday and asked him to send my regards to his brother, Abang Zul, and also to let him know that I need to chat with him to catch up for old times sake...

Now, I really feel that I've gotten totally over him. I chatted with him for almost 2 hours this morning, happily, like brothers and sisters. The proof that I've gotten over him? I wasn't even a bit jealous when he was bragging away about his girlfriend. Instead, I got to know more of his girlfriend. And he on the other hand, found out that I've got someone special in my life. Yeah... but don't worry, I didn't feed him with too much information..haha... While I'm writing this...I think he's in camp already. He told me he'll be off at 6pm.

I feel so light-hearted now. That someone special in my life...will stay special to me. *dreams* Well, he means a lot to me and I hope he don't cheat on me or play me.... Although we might be far apart...you know you'll always be in my heart. I'll appreciate the presence of him in my life. ANd I hope he does....

Urghh...why I suddenly become soooo jiwang?????

Ok...I feel better now. Happier, I guess....Just prepare to see an ugly smirk on my face for the rest of the week.....hehehe.....

Guess what...Steph inspired me to take up some fitness courses. And well, I've found something interesting from Amore Fitness. I've decided to take up one of their packages so that I can do kick-boxing, yoga or pilates. I need to take up something to fill up my time. Maybe to develop a new hobby. Anyway, losing weight is not enough...must tone it. I've actually been wanting to take up kick-boxing for quite some time cause I will be able to release some steam there and imagine that I'm kicking someone's arse or boxing someone's pretty face.

Anyway, it's affordable as I'm taking up the student package. But I'm not able to start so soon. Time for now is too limited cause I've got a lot of things to do during the weekends, so I'll only be able to take up a new hobby next month.

Yeah....at least I won't be stranded at home during my weekends or when my attachment ends. So, I've finally have something to look forward to. A new hobby....

Hah...know what...I kinda miss talking to H now...have not been messaging him much....or even chat with him...I'm just letting him know how I feel...Haha...

QueenLiyn@19:07

------------------------------------------------------------

Did I? Do I? Am I?

Was out for the whole day. Went to Tekka in the morning to buy some things and eat breakfast. Then, around noon, we set off to Johor to send cloths for tailoring. This year for Hari Raya, I'll be wearing all black. No kidding. And turning into a typical minah. I don't like to wear normal baju kurungs cause it's just too plain and can't show off my figure. Hah...so, this year I made 3 pairs of kebayas. 2 black and 1 brown...

I was having migraine for half of the day. Wasn't able to think well. I managed to get rid of the migraine by sleeping in the car. Know what...it's the first time I sit with my aunts at my father's side. We went for a gathering at my uncle's place. I was feeling rather groggy as I just woke up. My mom went into the room, whereas I just sat in the living room, rooted to the seat. My aunts, like Juni's mom, Cik Ya, Cik Nanak, Cik Leha and Cik Ani crowded around me. I became the centre of attention.

They were questioning me on what I am doing right now...blah...blah...and what seems to be an issue was that...why I slimmed down?? The question they asked, "Liyana kena tinggal dengan mata-air atau tak boleh jumpa mata-air?" I was rather stunned by the question. No truth told. I just said that I'm stressed, too much work. Juni's father was funny. He stared at me like as if it's been a long time since he saw me.

I know I lost weight but I don't know it's that obvious. I questioned Steph before, but she said that I still look the same. I don't know lah. The only thing I know is that I slimmed down for a reason. And nobody knows why.......

Woah...I wish I don't have to go to work on Monday. I wish that I can only go to work when I feel like it....Haiz...what have my world come to???? Everyday is a chore to me....SIANZZZ....

QueenLiyn@23:56

------------------------------------------------------------

Good Times...

So, I told Steph something that I've never told anyone before. I'm bored and the only people I see everyday are my supervisors and the production guys. Sometimes, when I'm bored at work, I'll message him. But if I've got nothing to say to him...I do something that made me realize how gatal I can be....But damn...I was just bored....Steph...you better shut up huh...

Well, I dreamt of him again last night. Still remember figments of it. Hah...I did something in that dream that, well, left him rooted to the spot. Even if I do it in reality, I'll also leave him rooted to the spot, only that I'm not going to do it. Haha....what I did? Ok...in that dream, I was flying off to somewhere. We were at the airport. At the departure hall. Know what I did? I kissed him goodbye. It's so damn funny to see that look on his face...LOL...

Ok...off with dreams...going back to reality...

I desperately need a massage. Been busy until I feel that needles are poking all over my body. Everywhere's aching. Even my head is aching now. Hmm...at work it seems that I can be a great help in the laboratory. Maybe I should consider working there temporarily. But how do I go about it with my boss???? I malulah....

I can't wait for my attachment to end. I just can't wait to graduate. And know what...I can't wait to turn 20 cause finally I'm entering adulthood.....

Oh ya...I owe Gary, Junming and Steph something. Really owe them a lot. Thanks to them that everything's working fine.... Promised to belanja them at Pizza Hut...I've set a date but have yet to tell them. Just want to look at the situation first before reacting....sooo...the deal's still on..ok?

I still remember the times I had during CEL last semester with them. We work great as groupmates. Remember that one time while we were waiting to generate results for an experiment in the computer? We were talking about very personal and sensitive things like getting pregnant, naming our babies...etc...etc....and that "What?!"..."Wah Lau!"..."Wah Seh!" can become the names of babies....Hahahaha...been a long time since I got in touch with Gary...and especially his moods...LOL!

Oklah...I guess I end this entry now...so CIAO!

QueenLiyn@20:13

------------------------------------------------------------

Love Conquers All...

Haiz...is love that painful?

Dear friend, you've been broken. You would say that you will never believe in love again. But trust me, love will always be there for you. In time, your wounds will heal. And there would be better chances. Better opportunities. It's a sea out there. It just takes patience and tolerance to get to the right person. Nothing's too late, my dear friend. You are still young. Who knows, one day, you might get back together with that same person...and this time it would be...who knows... forever?

Maybe because you are too good to be true. Too faithful. Kinda idiotic actually. But if you love someone that much, you'd actually shut your door to everyone else. And you are still so sweet to her after what she had done to you, always trying to win her back. And you cried. I couldn't believe that you cried. One of my guyfriends cried.....

But what I don't understand is that, a girl can throw away her hard work to win the heart of the guy. She's so dumb. It should be the other way round. This is soooo wrong. How can she say that the feeling just faded away after 3 lovely years???? Unless......

She has found someone much much much much much better...

But I doubt that. All guys are the same. I just don't understand them...Har Har...

For me... I'm missing him already...and it's only been a week. But I've been keeping myself occupied with work and a lot of other things. All I know is that, I've shut every other guys out of my life. And he's the only one. I might be busy with work, but during my quiet times, I've been thinking of him. I hope he's busy studying and doing his project work. You CANNOT be lazy..ok?

Work has been tough on me. It's funny that I can manage all that load. That's because I want the grade. I don't care about a PASS. It's easy to pass but I want that perfect grade, an A...or to be specific, an A+. I'm demanding cause I've worked rather hard.

And I've finally called SIM to enquire about their admission criterias and everything. I'm feeling rather confident that I'll be able to enter by 2006 and graduate by the time I'm 23. The only thing that I'm worried about is to find a job to occupy me for 6 months. Need to find and save money.

Hahaha...today me and Stephanie missed the bus. She kept saying that it was my fault. Thank God, we caught the other bus before it went off. All because she wants to go to the pantry....now...whose fault izit???

Heh heh...

QueenLiyn@22:02

------------------------------------------------------------

Just Another Day....

At work today, I was rather busy. Did a lot and a lot of analysis. It was a crazy day today. At the end of the day, my body aches and it feels like as if needles were poking at the back of my body....URGhhh....

Feel very fat today. Maybe it's my guilty conscience. Been eating a lot of fatty food for the past few days. On Monday, I ate lontong for lunch. On Tuesday, I ate laksa for lunch. Today, I ate caesar salad with a thick thousand island dressing. And I've been eating a lot of rich sweets and chocolates that I bought from Changi Airport last Saturday. Not forgetting, my visit to NTUC and buying a huge bag of Ruffles potato chips.....

URGHH......I'm so damn fat now. F**K... I'm turning to comfort food again. PLease please stop me. STop me from gaining more than I lose. I'm just tired and pressurized. Need something to indulge in. What else can I indulge in except for food? I've decided to quit on shopping sprees....

I'm so tired that even my body is acting funnily. I did have enough rest everyday. Got enough beauty sleep except for weekends. Sometimes even during weekends, I sleep as early as 11pm. But I'm having a problem with my cycle...maybe it's just pressure exerting on me....

Hmm...just now after work went to check on my money. Banked in my 2nd pay. Decided to be generous this time. Gave 10 bucks each to my brothers and will be giving my mom 150 bucks for her to put aside for me. Will not be spending so much this month......

Well...today someone is older. Heh Heh....Hussin...happy 2-decades birthday...hehehehe...

Haiz.....so...won't be able to meet my prince charming for a while...hmm...the reason...don't want to state it here...can I survive for a month? *wonders* Of course I can....

Ok...so...here's a very nice song dedicated specially for him and not forgetting everyone else....

I'll Stand By You by Girls Aloud

Oh, Why You Look So Sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you’re wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

QueenLiyn@22:24

------------------------------------------------------------

Take Care...

Haiz...too lazy to blog...

Just these two words...take care...

QueenLiyn@23:22

------------------------------------------------------------

Just Another Day....

Just got my 2nd pay. 150 bucks will be given to my mom so that she can help me save it whereas 20 bucks will be given to my brothers.....so I'm left with only 250 bucks. Decided not to spend so much of it cause there's a possibility that I might need it at the end of the year. That's the reason I took away my shopping list here. But there's no harm spending on little little things. Anyway, my weekly expense never exceeds 20 bucks unless I go shopping.

I must learn...it's time for me to learn...

At work today. More funner. Made a lot of mistakes. Talked to Lay Nah like as if she's my friend when she's actually my supervisor...hahaha...she said to me..."Why always salah??" I was just laughing my way through. Hahahaha....my maths has become very rusty since the last time I hit the books....

Talking about books...I'm starting to enjoy reading now. Haha...that's because it's a Sandra Brown book. Everytime after lunch, I will either sit at the reception or in the lab to read her book. Whereas during lunch, I'll drown myself with current affairs in the papers. In the morning before work and in the evening after work, I'll study the basic theory of driving book and I'm starting to spot a lot of mistakes on the road. Hahahaha.....

Well, at least my brain is being filled with information so that there would not be enough space for me to think too much. You might caught me staring into space but I'm actually pieceing all of the information going into my head.

Haiz...lazy to write anymore...so...Ciao for now....

QueenLiyn@23:18

------------------------------------------------------------

Keluarkan Steam...

ArGhhhh...I can't stand it anymore...

Semakin hari...semakin bosan I dengan perangai dia. Macam menggunakan I. I ni alat ke apa? Kalau nak pertolongan...cari I...kalau tak...I ni disepah tengah jalan... Diperalat-alatkan..buat apa??? Kadang-kala I rasa macam nak meletup. Cuma tak boleh meletup. Nanti orang tu nangis...

Inikah kawan? Kawan menolong each other....

Kalau dekat tempat kerja...sebagai kawan, I nasihatkan dia supaya dia ubah perangai dia sebab supervisor semua dah cakap pasal dia. I pulak kena maki... Walaupun, nasihat-nasihat I adalah untuk kebaikkannya, I feel like I'm not being appreciated.

I rasa lebih aman kalau dia tak datang kerja. I tak payah paksa sesiapa untuk buat kerja. Lagipun, I rasa bebas berseorangan dalam lab. Buat kerja pun boleh ikut sedap hati sendiri...tak payah nak sakit hati....

I dah nampak semua dia punya true colours.... I selalu kena fitnah....walaupun, I berdiam diri....tiada sesiapa pun yang tahu isi hati I. Padahal, dia lagi tua daripada I. Dia sepatutnya lebih tahu daripada I. Lebih mature.

Ingatkan I mendapat kawan yang setaraf dengan kawan karib I dari sekolah menengah ...tetapi...it seems like takde orang boleh gantikan kawan karib I.....

Sekarang dia suruh I buat sesuatu untuk dia? Malas I nak layan.....

ARGHH...like hell...buat bodoh sudah...cakap I terlupa sudah...buat apa I nak layan perangai dia.... Lagipun...pagi-pagi I takde mood nak berbual dengan sape2....

QueenLiyn@00:05

------------------------------------------------------------

Neither perfect...nor flawless....

Have a lot of things in mind to say out here but don't know which one is appropriate.

Talk about work...work's boring.

Well, the trains and buses this morning have been crowded and flooded by students. So, school has re-open. How nice....While walking through Lot 1, just now after work, it reminded me of old times. The old times when I was still wearing the school uniform and walking in Lot 1 with my bunch of friends, just to hang out or to have fun.

Oh...how I miss those days. I had the most fun during my secondary school years. All the way back from Secondary 1 through Secondary 4. There were the tough times but only the funny memories stayed with me....Hahaha...still remember when we played hide and seek when we were in secondary 3 whereby the girls plus the boys will hide inside the boys toilet when the seeker is a girl and vice versa. LOL!

I had my own share of fun when I was in lower secondary. Upper secondary was funner. Though my main focus was my studies that time, there was still play time. I did vow to myself that time when I was in sec 3, that I wouldn't mess with any guys until my O'levels ended, and whatever happen after that, let it happen. Haha...I did follow my vow. Yea, there were temptations and everything else....never did tell anyone cause I don't trust anyone else. All the secrets still remain with Sukhairen.... Maybe I should tell him huh....Hahaha...

I really miss my teenage years. I miss the immaturity. I want to stay young always...so that's why I still want to pursue my studies after graduation. Hahahaha...nolah....it's just that I want to have a higher qualification. Now that I'm at the tip of my education, I wonder how my life would turn out in the future...

Sometimes, looking at the path that I'm taking, I'm scared of the trials and tribulations that I'm going to face. I'm scared of taking the wrong step and destroying the empire that I've built. I'm scared of stepping into the work force, cause it's going to be much much more challenging than studying.

Even when I've made my new year's resolutions, I go with the flow. Live each day like always and taking a few steps at a time. I make mistakes everyday. Some are damn stupid, whereas others are caused by my dreamy state....hehe....

But well, I'm human...I've got my own flaws.....I'm neither perfect nor flawless.....

QueenLiyn@21:52

------------------------------------------------------------

Really bored....

Just came back from shopping. Went shopping alone to buy some things that I need. I've yet to get my 2nd pay, so I couldn't shop a lot....

Feeling rather sleepy now cause I slept late last night, chatting with Stephanie and downloading some stuffs for the Sims. Yes, I've started to play The Sims again. And I just bought the last copy of its expansion pack.

Supposed to be writing my logbook now cause I've gotta hand it in to Patrick tomorrow, but I am lazy to think on what to write about the past few weeks. Haiz...I sound so bored...that's because I'm bored.

Been thinking on whether I want to go out with him, a week from now cause he has yet to tell me when is his common test. Common test is more important. H, we'll go bowling again after I finish my attachment and you've finish your exams...okiez?

Haiz...SIAN.....

QueenLiyn@16:49

------------------------------------------------------------

Hints that aren't really hints.....

Still blogging at this time...

Been reading my first online diary....to find his name...did find a couple of hints and his name being mentioned a number of times....but well...maybe to list all of them down here...can be erm....a lil bit thick-skinned...

But I've found something interesting that I wrote during my first year in poly..." For me, I am the other way round. I did kinda well for my exams and I'm am single-mingle. Well, I love someone for quite a long time but don't really have the guts to even say it out loud even though I've been hinting to him a few times. Nevermind cause love takes time and it will come freely and willingly and it can't be forced. Anyway, my parents don't allow me to date any guys and on the other hand, I've decided to focus on studying and build my own career unless something came up in the midst of everything."

And there was another one...."Do you have anyone that actually lights up your life? I mean whenever you meet this person, you just become happy and can't stop smiling! This person is not necessarily the one that you love but more towards friendship...Ya, this person just puts a smile on my face whenever I see him and my mood for the whole day is so fabulous! It's not like he makes me laugh or something but just seeing him or being with him makes me comfortable and at ease. I don't know why...it's not as if I love him or something...."

And another one which I wrote when I was in 2nd year in poly..."I'm also trying to convince myself that I don't like another person...or should I say love the other guy... It's like I am too afraid of rejection and also to lose something that I already had with him!"

Well...I know...those hints weren't obvious. But maybe even if I pointed it out to him..I doubt he'll get my hints. H...it's too bad you didn't really read my first online diary.....

But anyway...I was in denial then...that's why...I don't make things so obvious...........

QueenLiyn@02:15

------------------------------------------------------------

One of my flaws.....

Happy New Year to Everyone...a new year of a new beginning...and everything else.....

I couldn't believe I cried last night. Steph, I really did cry. No...it's not because of the New Year. It's just because of something stupid. Quite embarrassing actually...so don't want to talk about it here..... Chatted with him till 2am but wasn't able to tell him what happened...cause it was tooo embarrassing.....

Today, went out around 5pm with my folks. Went to St.Luke's Hospital for The Aged to visit my granduncle. He looked so frail and thin. And for the first time in my life, I fed someone. I fed my granduncle, his dinner. I was being noble for a while. Anyway...I must learn cause who knows one day, my father will also be like that.....

After that, went to East Coast to have our dinner at Pondok Gurame.... For the first time, I wasn't feeling full after dinner. I was saying "No, thanks.." to whatever they offer cause I've gotta watch my diet. Hahahaha.....Had a walk by the beach and we were imagining how it would be like if the tsunami hit us, that minute.

Then, we went to Changi Airport to walk around. Took the sky train back and forth. Macam orang jakun...hahahaha! And then, we had coffee at Starbucks....I had ice blended caramel frappucino.....very sweeet...... Was surveying watches there, especially Fossil watches. I am sick and tired of buying cheap watches....so now, I'm looking for a high quality and expensive watch. I did come across a watch that I like. Costs around 175 bucks. Don't know whether it is worth it but I know I like the design. A classic beauty....

I'm glad that I feel better today. A lil bit guilty about the way I felt a few minutes after midnight last night. It's just a test from God.....sometimes...I do breakdown cause I couldn't bear things that suddenly strucked me on the spot. Well, I've just gotta overcome one of my flaws....my paranoia....

QueenLiyn@23:51

------------------------------------------------------------